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It's time for RiffTrax!

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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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RiffTrax!!

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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[Bill] Doublesteen Productions. At least you're not watching A Talking Cat!?!.

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[Mike] David M Goldstein.

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The M is for movies, comma, bad ones.

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[Bill] Ugggh!! Norman directed the movie

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with his foot stuck in a toilet I assume.

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[Kevin] Of course.

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♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh, finally! the Buffalo Bill biopic we've all been waiting for!

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♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ciint Howard. The Clint Howard of brothers.

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪

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[Bill] Turkey in the straw in an eight second loop, damn you!

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♪♪♪ Aww!

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[Mike] Yes. 20s gangsters plagued Wonder Years era suburbia.

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[Kevin] The birth of Ben and Jerry's free cone day.

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♪♪♪ Oh my god!

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Gregory!

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[Bill] Order me a chipwich!

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Are you all right? Oh! Say something!

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♪♪♪ No? Yes! What is it, my little (indistinct)

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He was gonna bring me ice cream, mommy.

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[Mike] What's that? Readily available at all super markets,

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convenience stores and gas stations? Oh well. No big loss.

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♪♪♪ [Kevin] Tell, my family you at least, checked my pulse.

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♪♪♪ [Bill] Well, at least Batman is switching up his origin story for once.

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪ [Mike] The controversial installment

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"Where in the rest stop bathroom, is Carmen San Diego?"

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(tapping) [Kevin] Kids love games where you stare at a still

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image and press buttons that do nothing.

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(tapping)

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Mom! The ice cream man's here! The ice cream man's here!

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[Bill] It's my day to gun him down in cold blood! Oh boy!

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All right, all right! Let me get my change.

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Roger? I don't want you going into my purse.

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Sorry mom! Won't do it anymore!

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You get back here right now! Roger!

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[Mike] So she's the villain, right? Since she named an innocent baby "Roger"?

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♪♪♪

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[Kevin] Yeah. They put that same warning on Whizzo the Clown's set.

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Um? Can I have an orange push up?

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[Bill] Bra? I'm going through a phase.

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♪♪♪ [Mike] We had a deal. Did you bring one of your mom's high heels?

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♪♪♪ Hey. What's your problem mister?

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[Kevin] Well, I'm Clint Howard.

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♪♪♪ You didn't say "please". Oh man!

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I could be a grandpa by the time you get your push up.

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[Bill] His Canadian girlfriend, he met at camp, is pregnant.

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Can I have a push up?

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Please? (growling)

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Hey Tuna!

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[Mike] (laughs) It's young Andy Bernard.

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Creamsicle. Bomb pop.

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Next. ♪♪♪

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Two Creamsicles and a bomb pop.

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♪♪♪ [Kevin] Agh! Gross! Sorry, just thinking about plain cake ice cream cones.

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Yo man! I said two Creamsicles and a bomb pop.

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I don't need nuts. They give me gas.

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[Bill] Nut allergy people found a way to get even more obnoxious.

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That new ice cream dude's pretty freaky.

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Maybe he's just different. Good ice cream is good ice cream.

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Come on Rocketeers. To the park.

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Race ya! Girls against boys!

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Last one there is a rotten fart!

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[Mike] Of all the days to leave the house with a pillow stuffed down my shirt.

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♪♪♪

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[Kevin] Kid's reading it a ninth time. Trying to figure out what the hell "pied" means.

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪ [Bill] My Girl Three.

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Twarted by an EpiPen, Dee sent an old perv to take out Thomas J.

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Girls win! Hey! Watch it!

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Hey! Up yours! You had a head start. Watch your mouth!

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At least you're not the rotten fart again!

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Hey guys, I've been waiting. Hey Rocketeer.

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[Mike] We found the only four kids in America who saw The Rocketeer.

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(Kevin laughs)

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You guys got ice cream huh?

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Yeah bomb pop. Your always get bomb pop.

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They're cool looking.

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[Kevin] It's the ice cream that most resembles the tip of a dog's penis.

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(grunting) Damn!

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[Bill] Aww, can't you find a REAL fat kid to humiliate?

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Tuna? You're not gonna?

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[Mike] Lard ass Hogan thinks this kid is a bit over the top.

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Gross! Tuna!

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Ugh. Anybody want a bite?

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No thanks. Most viral contagions are passed through oral submission.

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[Kevin] Whoo! Oral submissions!

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Hey Small Paul? What's the book?

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Pied Piper. The kids threw pies at him.

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Get it? Pied Piper?

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[Bill] The sand eating suddenly makes a lot more sense.

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With rats by enchanting them with music.

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Obviously you missed one of the big ones.

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[Mike] That's great.

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Anyone else really need to barf?

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Then, he got the kids. What kids? Of the town.

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The adults were trying to stiff the piper for the job he did on the rent.

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[Kevin] I'm not really holding the book?

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What makes you think I need to be told the plot?

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All the kids down to the river. And drowned them.

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Just like the rats.

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That's what happens when you don't pay the piper!

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[Bill] Now get off! I want a turn!

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Well, actually I think the kids got away.

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Oh. I thought they all drowned?

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Naa. Kids always get away.

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[Mike] Hey! I wonder How my buddy Augustus Gloop is doing?

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Kids!

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[Kevin] I guess I was here too.

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪ [Bill] I'm depressed because the ice cream man was mean to me.

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Oh boy! The ice cream man! That'll cheer me up!

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪ [Mike] Needle in the head!

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪ Ice cream man?

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You feel okay?

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[Kevin] Ugh. Garfield pops?

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Hey give me Hubert and Reba pops or get the hell out of here!

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Hey little boy.

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Ice cream man feels uh? Very happy.

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[Bill] Tom Waits just wrote a song about me.

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Well!

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[Mike] I will do just about any role won't I?

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Weary pilgrims back from a hard day's adventure?

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Hi Mr. Langley? You okay, Tuna?

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Yeah.

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I just need to rest after carrying these babies home.

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Oh yeah, right!

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[Kevin] Tuna, never touch my daughter.

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Worked up an appetite. Yes dad.

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Well boys, if Mrs Langley and I had known you were coming,

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we would have set a place.

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Oh, that's all right. We've gotta get going.

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Be safe boys. Godspeed.

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[Bill] A lot of direct to video movies out there. Guard your careers carefully.

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♪♪♪

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[Mike] I should really turn this into one of those food trucks, that charges the same

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as restaurants. Even though you eat while sitting on a curb.

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(humming)

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[Kevin] Airbud's loser brother, Clint Bud. (Bill laughs)

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Hello puppy! (dog barks)

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[Bill] What's that boy? Trouble at the old mill?

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There's a new mill undercutting its prices? That's capitalism boy.

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(dog barks)

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[Mike] Care for a treat with inexplicable Flintstones branding?

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(dog barks) Are we having a bad day?

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♪♪♪ [Kevin] Rat's rot a rife!

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(dog whimpers)

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[Bill] Oh Career, oh Career! Wherefore art thou Career?

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Who's there?

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♪♪♪ Happy day, nurse Wharton.

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[Mike] But soft? What freak through yonder window acts?

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No, Nurse Wharton. I did not hear your dog.

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What's that? On your nose?

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[Kevin] How did you get forehead on your nose?

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It's grenadine.

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From my ice cream treats.

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[Bill] Damn! I was hoping for child blood.

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Very nice. I swear I heard Binky cry.

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Well you know, Nurse Wharton? Your hearing is not what is used to be.

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[Mike] So, since I'm going deaf, I would hear more dogs?

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Unpack the truck, the ice cream melts. Bye!

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Oh, he's such a happy boy! My little Gregory.

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[Kevin] Nurse Wharton's wardrobe from the Mary Bailey,

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if she never met George collection. ♪♪♪

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♪♪♪ [Bill] (deep voice) Oh yeah. Knit that tea cozy, baby.

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♪♪♪ [Mike] Well, whatever it is, Henry Slinkman just bought three of them.

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Did you see this?

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My son shoots me dead for going thirty in a twenty five zone.

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Hey, when I become a cop, there's no more flesh and blood.

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It's just me and the law.

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[Kevin] Son, you're clearly 32. Get a place of your own.

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We are very proud of you, Jacob.

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Very proud. Where's Racer?

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Sorry I'm late. I was at Heather's and Tuna's mom picked me up.

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What kind of name is that? Tuna?

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(goofy voice) Tuna! Tuna!

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[Bill] Sir, you have bested the twelve year old boy who isn't even present.

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Your seat at the algonquin round table awaits!

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(phone rings) Never heard of "tuna". "Honey, what should we name the kid?"

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Hello?

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[Mike] Poster of her most texted emoji back there. (Kevin laughs)

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Really? You're kidding me!

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Well maybe he just lost his way home?

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No. Where somebody tell me where I lost control?

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Okay. Honey will you save me?

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The inmates have taken over.

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[Kevin] That was Nancy. She said I married a tool?

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♪♪♪ Johnny? Did you see little Roger Smith today?

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♪♪♪ He was at the park. Why?

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Because he hasn't come home yet. His mother's worried sick.

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[Bill] That he might eventually show up again.

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♪♪♪ Did she call the police? Not yet.

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Johnny, I don't want you out after dark anymore, okay?

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[Mike] Aww. At least wait to they find his hacked up corpse.

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Why don't you and Janet take him to the movies tomorrow?

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This is great.

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I'm definitely not going to a G film.

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[Kevin] Boyz in the Hood, New Jack City. That sort of thing.

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♪♪♪

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(singing) Be happy! Happy! Happy! Happy!

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[Bill] The end of 2001 never made any sense to me.

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Whoo! ♪♪♪ Open wide, Gregory.

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[Mike] A rare misstep for the Make a Wish Foundation.

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♪♪♪ Gregory?

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Are you all right, Gregory?

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[Kevin] I mean it looks like you're doing great! (Bill laughs)

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Rent's due in a couple of days.

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Four gallons? Five.

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And I want rocky road. I'll make it special, Nurse Wharton.

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[Bill] With real possum milk.

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Glad I can watch over you, Gregory.

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Besides, this old parlor was starting to look like a lost soul to me.

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[Mike] Parlor not pictured for budgetary reasons.

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I do so wish you'd plant one in my yard.

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I'll bring the ice cream tomorrow. That'll be just fine.

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[Kevin] Then, after the ice cream, our traditional rent day sex.

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♪♪♪ [Bill] (deep voice) Oh I gotta lay off the everclear milkshakes. (growls)

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So take the bus back, and don't be late, or mom will kill me.

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Then I'll have to kill you, okay? Yeah, yeah. No problem.

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Oh yeah? Lose some weight fish boy!!

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[Kevin] Whoo. I got kicked out of the theatre

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when I shouted that during The Shape of Water.

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Hey dad!

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[Bill] How's the Washington Monument business going?

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Son. And his tag team.

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Yeah. We just saw a movie. Oh yeah? What?

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Target to Kill? Sleeping Beauty.

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[Mike] Son, get out of my office.

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This weekend. Don't tell your mother. (phone rings)

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Mark Kasera. Hey, gorgeous!

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Keeping that oven heated up? It's your mom.

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[Kevin] Ah. I assumed it was a plumber. Of COURSE it's mom.

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She's really pretty.

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Martin? I really want to see you tonight. Yeah, I can't wait.

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(giggles) I'll see you tonight, then.

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[Bill] Sadly that was his plumber.

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Well. (clears throat) Dad's gotta get back to work.

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But. Eh eh eh!

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Later.

246
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:22,730
[Mike] Thanks for stopping by long enough to establish me as a B plot son.

247
00:14:22,730 --> 00:14:26,680
Um, by the way? What's mom cooking in the oven?

248
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:30,730
[Kevin] Uh? Sorry son. Late for my 3pm adultery.

249
00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:35,260
[Bill] He's a pepper. (Kevin laughs)

250
00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:40,710
♪♪♪ [Bill] The clown mask is his air freshener. Smells like Faygo.

251
00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:45,050
♪♪♪

252
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,710
[Mike] Scene of him replacing the word "four"

253
00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:50,010
available on five hour director's cut.

254
00:14:50,010 --> 00:14:51,670
We've got a missing kid.

255
00:14:51,670 --> 00:14:53,380
Thought you might have seen something. ♪♪♪

256
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:55,510
Little guy never made it home from the park last night.

257
00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:59,050
[Kevin] Found traces of rock salt, milk, and vanilla at the scene. We're baffled!

258
00:14:59,050 --> 00:15:02,940
Classified, ice cream man. It's classified.

259
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:06,530
All he wants you to do is keep your eyes open for us.

260
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:09,710
[Bill] If you see yourself kill anyone else, please give us a call.

261
00:15:09,710 --> 00:15:12,750
Who am I looking for? Anything strange.

262
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:17,000
So how about some of that world famous hard pack I've been hearing about?

263
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,670
[Mike] It's famous because it's the only place to use the term "hard pack".

264
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:23,790
Two scoops in a sugar cone. It'll be two dollars.

265
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:29,610
[Kevin] Meanwhile, the missing boy's mom sobs as she sticks her head in the oven.

266
00:15:29,610 --> 00:15:32,170
Got a buck I can borrow?

267
00:15:32,170 --> 00:15:40,100
♪♪♪ [Bill] The beloved short story, "Entrails for Algernon".

268
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:45,350
♪♪♪ [Mike] Eh. This is still better than having

269
00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:50,420
to listen to teens half heartedly sing a Cold Stone Creamery tip song.

270
00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:52,770
[Kevin] Ugh.

271
00:15:52,770 --> 00:15:55,130
♪♪♪

272
00:15:55,130 --> 00:15:58,680
[Kevin] Ugh! Gross! He's getting hard pack all over his hands!

273
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:04,660
♪♪♪

274
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,390
♪♪♪ [Bill] Here, they're predicting what audience members

275
00:16:06,390 --> 00:16:09,140
will do after watching the movie.

276
00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:13,260
Yep.

277
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:15,360
[Mike] Yeah. Give me a real marshmallow,

278
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,670
made out of gelatin extracted from horse hooves any day.

279
00:16:19,670 --> 00:16:24,490
♪♪♪

280
00:16:24,490 --> 00:16:27,200
[Kevin] Eh? No thanks, Leon. Here you go, detective.

281
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,670
Just for you.

282
00:16:29,670 --> 00:16:33,600
Hey! Now that's an ice cream cone. Mm!

283
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,160
What's in it?

284
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:41,060
[Bill] Yeah. A normal question humans ask about a complex dish like, ice cream.

285
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:43,270
Classified.

286
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:46,670
Whoo. you're a quick one, ice cream man. You're a quick one.

287
00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:48,600
What do you think, officer?

288
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,220
[Mike] Was it a black guy? Mexican guy? White guy?

289
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:53,250
but one who's a little too tan?

290
00:16:53,250 --> 00:16:55,370
We'll find your boy. Can we buy you an ice cream?

291
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:56,960
No thanks.

292
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,790
[Kevin] I've been stress puking bile all morning.

293
00:16:58,790 --> 00:17:02,310
Just find my kid okay?

294
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:10,480
Can we buy you an ice cream? What? I was trying to cheer her up.

295
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:15,430
♪♪♪ [Bill] Based on this shot alone, the movie now qualifies as torture porn.

296
00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:20,000
♪♪♪

297
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:24,210
[Kevin] Okay. Okay.

298
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:28,900
[Kevin] S and L's Victoria Jackson, like you've never seen her before.

299
00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:33,270
Ahh. Ladies first.

300
00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:36,970
[Mike] It's like if the mannequin in Mannequin never de-mannequined.

301
00:17:36,970 --> 00:17:41,180
♪♪♪ I'd like to buy a gallon of your "hard pack".

302
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:44,240
Do you deliver? No.

303
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,680
[Kevin] No??? You literally drive a delivery truck!

304
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:52,820
That cute little house right over there. Come any time. (laughs)

305
00:17:52,820 --> 00:17:58,980
Charming.

306
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:01,900
[Bill] My farts are MUCH juicier than that.

307
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:05,280
[Kevin] Bill.

308
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,870
♪♪♪ Man! She stank!

309
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,260
You should talk!

310
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,770
[Mike] Hey! I have a dead tooth.

311
00:18:11,770 --> 00:18:13,730
How many whales they killed to make all that perfume?

312
00:18:13,730 --> 00:18:16,140
They don't kill whales for perfume anymore.

313
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,370
Next?

314
00:18:17,370 --> 00:18:18,720
Perfume? Next!

315
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,140
[Kevin] Come on kids! I've got Phillip Glass tickets! I'm cultured!

316
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:23,630
Three hard packs and a bomb pop.

317
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:25,220
Make mine a fudgesicle.

318
00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:27,260
Yeah and make mine a hard pack. Risky of you.

319
00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:29,150
[Bill] Hard pack.

320
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,530
Um? Three hard packs.

321
00:18:30,530 --> 00:18:32,170
[Bill] Stop it!!

322
00:18:32,170 --> 00:18:36,840
Plain, sugar or waffle cone?

323
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,930
[Bill] Not charging extra for waffle cone?

324
00:18:38,930 --> 00:18:42,480
I'll have plain.

325
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,120
Actually make mine plain too.

326
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,730
Any other alterations?

327
00:18:48,730 --> 00:18:52,370
[Mike] Nah. Better script, actual performers, a plot. You know? The usual.

328
00:18:52,370 --> 00:18:54,570
[Bill] Different movie.

329
00:18:54,570 --> 00:18:58,160
♪♪♪

330
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,380
(indistinct whispers)

331
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,810
[Kevin] Wow! Somebody finally got Gordon Ramsay!

332
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:08,620
[Bill] (bleep) you Mike! You (bleep) freeze me! (Kevin laughs)

333
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:11,080
Three!

334
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:15,460
Hard packs. And your fudgsicle.

335
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:16,960
[Mike] You can always tell when a guy has practiced

336
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,470
saying "fudgsicle" in a mirror, cant you?

337
00:19:20,470 --> 00:19:22,780
[Bill] Hard pack.

338
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:27,040
Last one ahead is (indistinct) Oh man!

339
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,880
[Kevin] People are actually gonna see me in this, aren't they?

340
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:35,690
♪♪♪

341
00:19:35,690 --> 00:19:38,490
One four nine.

342
00:19:38,490 --> 00:19:43,490
[Bill] That equals twelve. ♪♪♪

343
00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:47,790
There are no bad days, Gregory. Only happy.

344
00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:49,870
Happy. Happy days.

345
00:19:49,870 --> 00:19:51,340
[Mike] Now get the happy, happy happy

346
00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:56,970
electrodes and hook him to his happy, happy, happy sack.

347
00:19:56,970 --> 00:20:01,570
♪♪♪ Now. What kind of day are you having, Gregory?

348
00:20:01,570 --> 00:20:05,980
[Kevin] Hey! Any day of feeding eyeball to the man is a good day. ♪♪♪

349
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:12,200
♪♪♪

350
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,440
[Bill] I changed my mind again. I'm painting the four back on.

351
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:20,940
Uh, guys? I'm gonna go on alone okay?

352
00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:24,020
Can we play tomorrow?

353
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:28,030
Yeah. All right. I'll see you guys later, okay?

354
00:20:28,030 --> 00:20:29,490
All right. Later.

355
00:20:29,490 --> 00:20:31,890
[Mike] Enjoy your inexplicably british father.

356
00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:35,450
♪♪♪

357
00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:37,810
(making barking noises)

358
00:20:37,810 --> 00:20:43,030
[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen, the screenwriter. (Bill laughs)

359
00:20:43,030 --> 00:20:47,310
(indistinct)

360
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:50,830
Come quickly!

361
00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:54,450
[Bill] Mother's free styling and her flow is sick!

362
00:20:54,450 --> 00:20:56,970
The archangel Gabriel is speaking through your mother again!

363
00:20:56,970 --> 00:21:00,580
Heather? You know?

364
00:21:00,580 --> 00:21:04,150
Heather's been acting a lot weirder around her mom, lately.

365
00:21:04,150 --> 00:21:07,310
[Mike] Her family's B plot doesn't seem to fit in at all.

366
00:21:07,310 --> 00:21:09,300
They just talk about God.

367
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:12,260
That's not it. It's just. I don't know.

368
00:21:12,260 --> 00:21:14,490
She's just acting weird.

369
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:18,030
[Kevin] Like the other day, she rejected fresh water economic theory.

370
00:21:18,030 --> 00:21:20,630
Uh? We just had ice cream.

371
00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:24,660
Can you ever have too much ice cream? Impossible.

372
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:28,390
[Bill] I'd sell out both of you for just one sweet taste.

373
00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:30,430
Come to my house!

374
00:21:30,430 --> 00:21:32,940
I gotta get home.

375
00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:35,150
Tuna?

376
00:21:35,150 --> 00:21:39,700
Nah. My mom sort of gets mad about all the ice cream I spill on my shirts.

377
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:43,190
[Mike] The downside of wearing shirts the size of a revival tent.

378
00:21:43,190 --> 00:21:46,580
What?? Now Small Paul's trying to pin the rotten egg on me!

379
00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:50,380
(laughing) I'll see if I ever invite you to my birthday party!

380
00:21:50,380 --> 00:21:51,730
What??

381
00:21:51,730 --> 00:21:54,330
I didn't do anything! ♪♪♪

382
00:21:54,330 --> 00:21:56,450
[Kevin] Um, yes? I'd like to buy ice cream in

383
00:21:56,450 --> 00:22:01,300
a dark, lonely place where no one will hear my scream please?

384
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:03,510
♪♪♪

385
00:22:03,510 --> 00:22:06,620
Oh. Well, well.

386
00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:08,560
[Bill] He's into zumba too?

387
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,900
What do we have here?

388
00:22:09,900 --> 00:22:11,130
[Bill] He really is a monster.

389
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:12,810
Want some ice cream?

390
00:22:12,810 --> 00:22:15,100
Um?

391
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:19,190
Uh? Maybe not.

392
00:22:19,190 --> 00:22:21,400
Too close to dinner.

393
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,970
[Mike] We're having ice cream! What's your favorite flavor?

394
00:22:23,970 --> 00:22:26,290
No wait, wait wait!

395
00:22:26,290 --> 00:22:28,470
Let me guess! Let me guess! Don't say anything!

396
00:22:28,470 --> 00:22:31,190
I, uh? Uh. It's uh?

397
00:22:31,190 --> 00:22:32,900
I can taste it,.

398
00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,040
[Kevin] Uh moose tracks or organ meat?

399
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,480
Butter brickle? How did you know that?

400
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:43,080
Because it's my favorite flavor too!

401
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:47,770
[Bill] Hop into my time machine and we can go back to the 30s and have some.

402
00:22:47,770 --> 00:22:53,220
(door creaks)

403
00:22:53,220 --> 00:23:01,770
[Mike] Hm. Freezer or the suit case from Pulp Fiction? Wow!

404
00:23:01,770 --> 00:23:06,880
♪♪♪

405
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,850
♪♪♪ You like my ice cream truck?

406
00:23:08,850 --> 00:23:12,830
[Kevin] It's for sale. I've decided to pursue my love of Neoclassical ballet.

407
00:23:12,830 --> 00:23:15,510
Never saw the inside before.

408
00:23:15,510 --> 00:23:20,290
You know, it's hard to meet friends when you're always stuck on the inside.

409
00:23:20,290 --> 00:23:22,090
I know.

410
00:23:22,090 --> 00:23:24,520
I had to stay inside a lot when I was little.

411
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,590
[Bill] I was a wet willy magnet.

412
00:23:26,590 --> 00:23:28,810
Because I was really sick.

413
00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:32,800
That's why I'm so small. You know?

414
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:37,720
I was sick too when I was little. But I'm better now.

415
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,410
[Mike] (hoarse voice) Nothing a lozenge or ten can't fix, anyway.

416
00:23:41,410 --> 00:23:43,600
Here you go.

417
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,490
Wow! I don't think I have enough money for that!

418
00:23:47,490 --> 00:23:51,100
My treat.

419
00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:57,090
[Kevin] Is that what you use to floss your giant Clint Howard teeth?

420
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:08,030
♪♪♪ [Bill] Come on. That's like the 20th least weird thing he's done so far.

421
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:12,160
♪♪♪

422
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:18,630
♪♪♪ [Mike] Aww, man! He gets dragged into the back of all the best trucks!

423
00:24:23,470 --> 00:24:27,230
Hey! Little boy! You want some free ice cream?

424
00:24:27,230 --> 00:24:29,020
[Kevin] I've got butter brickle! Trust me!

425
00:24:29,020 --> 00:24:32,250
It still tastes good even if you're not 80 years old!

426
00:24:32,250 --> 00:24:34,520
Aww. This little fella got hurt.

427
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,300
I'm gonna take him to the hospital.

428
00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:39,640
[Bill] Chuck Taylors.

429
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:44,280
Now he knows he's either a kid from a distant past or an adult from the present.

430
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,460
Hey! Hey! Hey!

431
00:24:47,460 --> 00:24:50,470
You little turds are gonna have to learn you can't run from the ice cream man!

432
00:24:50,470 --> 00:24:52,220
[Mike] Too late! Already did!

433
00:24:52,220 --> 00:24:55,110
I know where you live! You tell anybody!!

434
00:24:55,110 --> 00:24:59,110
I'm gonna get your mom and dad!

435
00:24:59,110 --> 00:25:02,120
♪♪♪ [Kevin] I wonder if he was serious about getting my mom and dad.

436
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:05,020
Because that's one sweet offer.

437
00:25:05,020 --> 00:25:10,400
♪♪♪

438
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,710
♪♪♪ Who's that?

439
00:25:12,710 --> 00:25:15,480
What's the matter?

440
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,190
[Bill] I've gotten Mark Ruffalo hair.

441
00:25:18,190 --> 00:25:20,600
How long have you been here?

442
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,710
All night. The ice cream man.

443
00:25:23,710 --> 00:25:26,370
He. ♪♪♪

444
00:25:26,370 --> 00:25:29,700
He killed the park guy. [Mike] It was awesome.

445
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,910
He killed Small Paul.

446
00:25:32,910 --> 00:25:36,690
♪♪♪ So what do we do?

447
00:25:36,690 --> 00:25:38,940
My dad will know what to do.

448
00:25:38,940 --> 00:25:41,560
[Kevin] He can ask his mistress. She's a genius!

449
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,420
I'll follow you to your house, and go through the backyard until I get to mine.

450
00:25:45,420 --> 00:25:47,950
Come on! I drove by the bank an hour ago.

451
00:25:47,950 --> 00:25:50,240
And the whole place was shut up. Dark as a tomb.

452
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,460
So? I drove by the bar after I get off. What of it?

453
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:56,590
[Mike] No you didn't! The bar was dark as two tombs!

454
00:25:56,590 --> 00:25:59,470
That's how I measure darkness.

455
00:25:59,470 --> 00:26:04,320
♪♪♪ Mister!

456
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,660
Shoes on the porch. You know the rules!

457
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:09,760
[Kevin] Sadly mom never made a "no banging floozies." rule.

458
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:14,050
You know? I work late and I go to the bar.

459
00:26:14,050 --> 00:26:15,770
Mom! I saw.

460
00:26:15,770 --> 00:26:17,030
Come on Mary, just admit it.

461
00:26:17,030 --> 00:26:18,400
You think I'm seeing someone else.

462
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,890
Think? I know you're seeing somebody else Martin! Come on Martin!

463
00:26:20,890 --> 00:26:22,860
Who is it? Tell me? Let's not do this again.

464
00:26:22,860 --> 00:26:24,840
Dad, I? Not now Chris. Go to your room!

465
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:28,240
[Bill] Adults are showing off unfortunate dental work, Chris.

466
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:29,650
Go to your room!

467
00:26:29,650 --> 00:26:31,130
Made a promise of my longer hours.

468
00:26:31,130 --> 00:26:34,280
Come on! Why don't you just admit it? Stop working the facade!

469
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,620
How many times are we gonna go through this? To hell with you.

470
00:26:36,620 --> 00:26:39,360
Oh, sure. That'll solve everything huh? To hell with me.

471
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,470
[Mike] This brings shame to my victorian ancestors.

472
00:26:42,470 --> 00:26:45,510
[Bill] (laughs) Dutifully archived.

473
00:26:45,510 --> 00:26:52,100
♪♪♪

474
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:54,490
♪♪♪ [Kevin] All right. That's it. I either gotta get a smaller car,

475
00:26:54,490 --> 00:26:56,580
or cut back on my child stalking.

476
00:26:56,580 --> 00:27:01,510
These gas prices are killing me here!

477
00:27:01,510 --> 00:27:06,370
What the hell is that ice cream dork doing out this late?

478
00:27:06,370 --> 00:27:09,620
[Bill] This town has a strict curfew for dorks!

479
00:27:16,790 --> 00:27:22,180
[Mike] Hey kid! I'm looking for the set of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?". A little help?

480
00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:25,990
♪♪♪

481
00:27:25,990 --> 00:27:31,700
♪♪♪

482
00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:36,760
[Bill] Aww. I'm gonna grow up to be David Spade. I just know it.

483
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:41,630
(birds chirping) Come on, Tuna! Let's go!

484
00:27:41,630 --> 00:27:44,370
We've gotta make it to the store and back before the pinocchle game.

485
00:27:44,370 --> 00:27:46,850
[Kevin] You know? My weekly lingerie pinocchle?

486
00:27:46,850 --> 00:27:50,610
Let's go then. God, Tuna, you can make a mess.

487
00:27:50,610 --> 00:27:53,250
Go find another pair. Come on! Let's go!

488
00:27:53,250 --> 00:27:57,050
[Mike] Golden Corral's new... Dang. Can't quite make that work.

489
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:58,220
[Kevin] It's close.

490
00:27:58,220 --> 00:28:01,550
[Bill] The spirit is right.

491
00:28:01,550 --> 00:28:05,860
♪♪♪ [Bill] Got the shoulder pads on. Ready to throw some blocks.

492
00:28:05,860 --> 00:28:11,680
Hey Sam! Morning Miss Kasera! Nice to see ya!

493
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:15,170
[Kevin] Oh! Juan Valdez shops there! (Mike laughs)

494
00:28:15,170 --> 00:28:21,770
[Bill] (laughs) Hey Juan.

495
00:28:21,770 --> 00:28:27,600
[Mike] The irony is that kid actor is now stocking those very shelves as his career.

496
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:33,280
♪♪♪

497
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:36,880
[Bill] Just gonna grab an iced tranya here!

498
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:41,590
♪♪♪

499
00:28:41,590 --> 00:28:44,700
[Kevin] Gahhhh! Just saw my own reflection!

500
00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:47,890
♪♪♪

501
00:28:47,890 --> 00:28:52,980
♪♪♪

502
00:28:52,980 --> 00:28:56,810
[Mike] Wow. He's eating mexican cheese blend, straight from the package.

503
00:28:56,810 --> 00:29:02,000
♪♪♪

504
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,910
[Bill] Always awkward when you run into someone

505
00:29:03,910 --> 00:29:08,220
and have to think "Wait a minute. Did I abduct and murder his friend?"

506
00:29:08,220 --> 00:29:12,790
Trust me. (Mike laughs) It's awkward.

507
00:29:12,790 --> 00:29:17,220
♪♪♪

508
00:29:17,220 --> 00:29:21,930
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Gah! The guy from the movie Solo! It was so bad!

509
00:29:21,930 --> 00:29:27,280
♪♪♪

510
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:32,250
♪♪♪ [Mike] One of Brawny paper towels least successful ad campaigns.

511
00:29:32,250 --> 00:29:37,240
(panting) Mom!

512
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,890
[Bill] Fleshy Tonya Harding!

513
00:29:39,890 --> 00:29:45,860
♪♪♪

514
00:29:45,860 --> 00:29:47,770
[Kevin] Okay. He keeps passing by the cracker isle.

515
00:29:47,770 --> 00:29:50,290
Doesn't he know that they can be enjoyed at any time?

516
00:29:50,290 --> 00:29:52,880
At home? On the go? At the beach!

517
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:57,840
♪♪♪

518
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,690
[Mike] Scariest part is he didn't bring his Ralph's club card.

519
00:30:01,690 --> 00:30:08,670
So everything cost three times as much.

520
00:30:08,670 --> 00:30:11,790
♪♪♪ [Bill] Bought his tie at Build a Bear store.

521
00:30:11,790 --> 00:30:13,630
Oh, oh, excuse me?

522
00:30:13,630 --> 00:30:16,850
What do think of this color? I don't know either.

523
00:30:16,850 --> 00:30:18,660
I mean according to my color charts it should work.

524
00:30:18,660 --> 00:30:20,190
But last time I followed those,

525
00:30:20,190 --> 00:30:22,870
I ended up looking a clown, spotted with cherry syrup.

526
00:30:22,870 --> 00:30:26,350
[Kevin] Oh sure. That common description of buying the wrong shade of lipstick.

527
00:30:26,350 --> 00:30:33,680
Looks good on you! Get a dozen! ♪♪♪

528
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:35,600
♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh my god! (Bill and Kevin) What? What!!

529
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,760
[Mike] I suspect not all their produce is locally sourced!

530
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:40,180
(guys scream)

531
00:30:40,180 --> 00:30:42,320
[Bill] Just stab me now, ice cream man!

532
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:46,950
♪♪♪

533
00:30:46,950 --> 00:30:50,260
♪♪♪ [Kevin] And now the grocery witch comes

534
00:30:50,260 --> 00:30:54,460
and drags him to hell for not breading his own zucchini.

535
00:30:54,460 --> 00:30:59,530
♪♪♪

536
00:30:59,530 --> 00:31:06,810
[Bill] Hardly matters. Look at that rust. Kid's dead from tetanus anyway.

537
00:31:06,810 --> 00:31:18,060
♪♪♪ [Mike] (laughs) Wow. Radical Jack levels of stealth. (Kevin laughs) ♪♪♪

538
00:31:18,060 --> 00:31:23,130
[Kevin] Clint got distracted wondering why

539
00:31:23,130 --> 00:31:28,120
Marie's salad dressings weren't in the damn salad dressing aisle!

540
00:31:32,170 --> 00:31:35,430
[Bill] Don't worry. It's not him. (Mike and Kevin sigh)

541
00:31:35,430 --> 00:31:38,180
[Bill] It's notorious child killer Rubber Boot Jim!

542
00:31:38,180 --> 00:31:40,040
[Kevin] Oooh!

543
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,640
[Mike] Ahhh!

544
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:46,480
It's okay, little fella. Not gonna hurt you.

545
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,430
♪♪♪ what on earth do you suppose he was running from?

546
00:31:48,430 --> 00:31:49,890
I don't know.

547
00:31:49,890 --> 00:31:54,100
[Mike] Wait. How much FOR the El Molina hulled sesame seeds? I must know!

548
00:31:54,100 --> 00:31:56,050
By the way, you're not gonna take us to court are you?

549
00:31:56,050 --> 00:31:58,400
Chris, what happened?

550
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,500
Oh honey. I'm here.

551
00:32:01,500 --> 00:32:04,120
[Kevin] Where? I can't see you! Oh there.

552
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:08,890
Chris? Unless you tell me what happened, mommy can't help you.

553
00:32:08,890 --> 00:32:12,250
He said he kill you if I told.

554
00:32:12,250 --> 00:32:16,450
[Bill] The Hamburglar that is. He's way darker than anyone ever imagined.

555
00:32:16,450 --> 00:32:21,360
The ice cream man. He killed Small Paul last night.

556
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,360
Oh my god. Oh honey.

557
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:30,120
[Mike] Let's just end this scene. It's not going anywhere. (Kevin laughs)

558
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:32,410
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Shot with an eight millimeter camera

559
00:32:32,410 --> 00:32:35,250
the director borrowed from his nephew.

560
00:32:35,250 --> 00:32:43,850
♪♪♪

561
00:32:43,850 --> 00:32:48,370
[Bill] Hundred degrees. It's a flannel shirt day, right?

562
00:32:48,370 --> 00:32:51,010
Nice to see you again, officers?

563
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:53,410
You Gregory Tudor?

564
00:32:53,410 --> 00:32:57,900
Yes. Yes I am. Give him the warrant.

565
00:32:57,900 --> 00:33:00,560
[Mike] What can I ugly for you, officers? I mean do.

566
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,390
What can I do for you officers?

567
00:33:02,390 --> 00:33:05,760
Can I keep this? You got any large dogs, ice cream man?

568
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:07,520
No.

569
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:11,010
[Kevin] Although my thouands of body lice are trained to attack cops.

570
00:33:11,010 --> 00:33:15,110
♪♪♪ (police radio heard)

571
00:33:15,110 --> 00:33:19,290
Why this search, officers? I want you to go through everything.

572
00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:23,720
[Bill] Uh sir. We're barred by law. The sign clearly says deliveries only.

573
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:28,870
Got it? Yes sir.

574
00:33:28,870 --> 00:33:31,400
Hell, I remember getting ice cream here when I was a kid.

575
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,600
[Mike] Half my friends got murdered. Good times!

576
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:38,350
Brickle. Fudge brickle. Oh yeah.

577
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:40,610
The ice cream king.

578
00:33:40,610 --> 00:33:44,860
It's nice to see somebody's opening the place up again.

579
00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:47,130
Well, sounds like we're missing out on all the fun.

580
00:33:47,130 --> 00:33:48,750
(crashing heard)

581
00:33:48,750 --> 00:33:50,270
[Kevin] Uh, my brother's having a barbecue today.

582
00:33:50,270 --> 00:33:53,640
And Brian Grazier might come by? Can I go?

583
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:54,870
[Bill] No!

584
00:33:54,870 --> 00:33:56,760
[Kevin] Awww!

585
00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,270
♪♪♪

586
00:33:59,270 --> 00:34:03,100
♪♪♪ (glass breaks)

587
00:34:03,100 --> 00:34:05,430
[Mike] My ice cream shop that for some reason, looks

588
00:34:05,430 --> 00:34:08,450
like a place a guy in Good Fellas got kicked to death!

589
00:34:08,450 --> 00:34:11,320
(indistinct)

590
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,450
Search a little? More carefully.

591
00:34:14,450 --> 00:34:18,910
♪♪♪ Hey uh?

592
00:34:18,910 --> 00:34:21,930
[Bill] My beautiful spider web covered crap!

593
00:34:21,930 --> 00:34:28,270
♪♪♪

594
00:34:28,270 --> 00:34:33,510
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh sir? He's a grown man, who seems to be into My Little Pony. Isn't that odd?

595
00:34:33,510 --> 00:34:37,780
[Mike] Well it is now. These backward times of 1995.

596
00:34:37,780 --> 00:34:40,820
But perhaps someday it will be appreciated.

597
00:34:40,820 --> 00:34:46,140
Road stands that actually, is. Someday!

598
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:52,280
Jesus! Hate to get my hand caught in that!

599
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:53,870
[Bill] Yeah Derek.

600
00:34:53,870 --> 00:34:55,400
No need to always point out the

601
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:57,760
dangerous things you wouldn't stick your hand into.

602
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,450
You find anything? There's nothing down here sir.

603
00:35:00,450 --> 00:35:05,750
Do you realize, how long it takes to make Butter Brickle?

604
00:35:05,750 --> 00:35:09,060
[Kevin] Yeah. And to do in hard pack requires an extra six weeks.

605
00:35:09,060 --> 00:35:16,040
♪♪♪

606
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:21,420
♪♪♪ [Mike] Now he peels off his top shirt to reveal a deep plunging V neck. Oh yeah.

607
00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:23,120
[Kevin] Mike?

608
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,970
[Bill] Oh yeah.

609
00:35:26,970 --> 00:35:30,510
♪♪♪ [Bill] His father, Thomas "Ice cream man" senior.

610
00:35:30,510 --> 00:35:33,590
♪♪♪

611
00:35:33,590 --> 00:35:38,430
♪♪♪

612
00:35:38,430 --> 00:35:40,310
[Kevin] He's very cutting edge with his food truck

613
00:35:40,310 --> 00:35:44,180
slash brick and mortar slash child murder operation.

614
00:35:44,180 --> 00:35:48,790
♪♪♪

615
00:35:48,790 --> 00:35:51,640
[Mike] Derek the cop comes back in to reiterate

616
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,800
how much he'd hate to get his hands get caught n that

617
00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:59,240
♪♪♪

618
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:02,530
Well, ice cream man. We're sorry. We didn't find anything.

619
00:36:02,530 --> 00:36:05,940
[Bill] Well, we found horse pornography. But sadly that's not illegal.

620
00:36:05,940 --> 00:36:09,740
My place. Or are you just sorry you didn't find anything?

621
00:36:09,740 --> 00:36:13,450
You boys have the wrong house! I'm the one with the missing dog!

622
00:36:13,450 --> 00:36:14,980
Hold it! Where were you last night?

623
00:36:14,980 --> 00:36:17,690
Around six? He was here. Working to pay his rent.

624
00:36:17,690 --> 00:36:20,460
[Kevin] Oh thanks character from a Far Side cartoon.

625
00:36:20,460 --> 00:36:23,080
I'm the one with a missing dog. Who are you?

626
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:27,130
I'm Nurse Wharton. Gregory's landlord, neighbor, and guardian.

627
00:36:27,130 --> 00:36:29,540
Serve and protect my ass.

628
00:36:29,540 --> 00:36:30,960
[Mike] Serve and protect my ass.

629
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:33,280
that's what Jennifer Lopez tells her body guards.

630
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:34,340
[Bill] Hey!

631
00:36:34,340 --> 00:36:36,020
[Kevin] Whoo!

632
00:36:36,020 --> 00:36:39,140
I'm the ice cream man. I make children happy.

633
00:36:39,140 --> 00:36:42,170
[Bill] Okay. Pretty obviously reading right off the script now.

634
00:36:42,170 --> 00:36:44,360
Many days to come.

635
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:48,340
You understand the consequences?

636
00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:51,840
[Kevin] Ah, he looked up at the end. Which means he did memorize the word consequences.

637
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:55,220
Yeah! I bet you didn't!

638
00:36:55,220 --> 00:36:59,260
You call this number tomorrow.

639
00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:01,690
Tell them what happened.

640
00:37:01,690 --> 00:37:04,920
[Mike] it's Imagine Entertainment. Maybe they'll want to make a movie out of it.

641
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,650
(guys laugh)

642
00:37:08,650 --> 00:37:11,160
You know? Those daisies are magnificent.

643
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:14,120
How do you do that?

644
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,140
[Bill] (laughs) How does he stick plastic novelty daisies in the ground?

645
00:37:17,140 --> 00:37:20,240
Is Jan Michael Vincent currently on drugs?

646
00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:26,090
Make great fertilizer.

647
00:37:26,090 --> 00:37:29,970
[Kevin] Thank you movie. For making us all question what a joke is?

648
00:37:29,970 --> 00:37:33,990
You know?

649
00:37:33,990 --> 00:37:39,080
There's something weird going on here.

650
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:42,640
[Mike] Some sort of direct to video thing or whatever?

651
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:44,520
You got a hunch?

652
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:48,010
Let's put a tail on him anyway.

653
00:37:48,010 --> 00:37:52,220
[Bill] Make it fuzzy. Like a lemur tail.

654
00:37:52,220 --> 00:37:59,300
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ha! Daisies! Ha! Ha ha! Er? Um?

655
00:37:59,300 --> 00:38:02,640
[Bill] Yeah. I guess?

656
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:05,000
[Mike] Jan Michael? Can I have some drugs?

657
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:10,110
I'm sure your dog is around here somewhere. That's very sweet of you, Gregory.

658
00:38:10,110 --> 00:38:12,440
You have a happy day.

659
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:17,280
[Mike] Maybe have lunch with Ron? Oh, right. He won't take your calls.

660
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:22,010
Remember, no bad days, Gregory. Only happy.

661
00:38:22,010 --> 00:38:24,070
Happy. Happy days.

662
00:38:24,070 --> 00:38:27,090
[Bill] You know? That successful show your brother was on?

663
00:38:27,090 --> 00:38:30,130
That paid for the damage deposit for your apartment in Culver City?

664
00:38:30,130 --> 00:38:32,240
[Kevin] Yes! I know! (Bill laughs)

665
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:39,220
♪♪♪

666
00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:41,540
[Mike] If any cops would like to get their hands caught in it?

667
00:38:41,540 --> 00:38:43,160
[Bill] I wouldn't!

668
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:45,450
[Mike] Yes! We know, Derek!

669
00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:50,040
(Bill indistinct)

670
00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:52,230
[Kevin] Re-arranging his sherbets.

671
00:38:52,230 --> 00:38:55,640
Wondering why everybody pronounces it with an R, like sherbert.

672
00:38:55,640 --> 00:39:01,320
♪♪♪

673
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:05,070
♪♪♪ [Bill] This is what Macaulay Culkin's actual childhood was like.

674
00:39:05,070 --> 00:39:06,620
[Mike] Only the ice cream man was?

675
00:39:06,620 --> 00:39:08,190
[Bill] Was Michael Jackson.

676
00:39:08,190 --> 00:39:10,490
Yes. ♪♪♪

677
00:39:10,490 --> 00:39:16,690
♪♪♪

678
00:39:16,690 --> 00:39:19,890
♪♪♪ [Kevin] I want to get my hand caught in that!!

679
00:39:19,890 --> 00:39:21,130
[Bill] Not now.

680
00:39:21,130 --> 00:39:23,130
[Kevin] Ohh!

681
00:39:23,130 --> 00:39:26,360
♪♪♪

682
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:31,540
Oh no. Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt ya.

683
00:39:31,540 --> 00:39:32,970
[Mike] Uh, whoo.

684
00:39:32,970 --> 00:39:37,190
[Kevin] I just need you to razor off my bunions. (Mike laughs)

685
00:39:37,190 --> 00:39:40,330
What do you think, little boy?

686
00:39:40,330 --> 00:39:43,920
[Bill] I think I'd like to write mom and dad a letter about how much fun I'm having.

687
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,360
What do you think I think????

688
00:39:46,360 --> 00:39:52,190
Having a bad day? Yeah.

689
00:39:52,190 --> 00:39:55,110
You're right.

690
00:39:55,110 --> 00:39:59,570
Not every day is a happy, happy, happy day.

691
00:39:59,570 --> 00:40:01,200
[Kevin] Like that time I sat on a wooden bench

692
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:03,910
in the locker room and snagged my nut sack on a nail.

693
00:40:03,910 --> 00:40:11,320
That was only a happy, happy day. (buzzing)

694
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:18,830
[Mike] It's not scary. It's just a very poorly installed ceiling fan. (Bill laughs)

695
00:40:18,830 --> 00:40:23,860
[Bill] Doll head and cone storage. You know that's just smart.

696
00:40:23,860 --> 00:40:30,170
Ice cream, professor?

697
00:40:30,170 --> 00:40:33,190
[Kevin] He has a disease where he sees academic titles where are there none.

698
00:40:33,190 --> 00:40:34,530
Butter brickle?

699
00:40:34,530 --> 00:40:37,970
[Kevin] Very rare.

700
00:40:37,970 --> 00:40:49,340
[Mike] You know, a kid wearing that shirt can not look down his nose at anything.

701
00:40:49,340 --> 00:40:51,540
[Bill] Uh, officer Derek, any thoughts?

702
00:40:51,540 --> 00:40:53,790
[Kevin] Only concerned about hands! Sorry!

703
00:40:53,790 --> 00:40:57,690
[Bill] Okay. ♪♪♪

704
00:40:57,690 --> 00:41:03,850
♪♪♪ [Mike] You think they'll ever put Clint Howard

705
00:41:03,850 --> 00:41:06,550
in a high budget movie about the space program? Naa.

706
00:41:06,550 --> 00:41:08,950
Nobody's that stupid.

707
00:41:08,950 --> 00:41:14,210
Small Paul is dead.

708
00:41:14,210 --> 00:41:17,240
[Bill] Body glove? Is that you? ♪♪♪

709
00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:24,110
♪♪♪

710
00:41:24,110 --> 00:41:27,580
[Kevin] Now's my chance to find out what kickball tastes like!

711
00:41:27,580 --> 00:41:32,450
♪♪♪

712
00:41:32,450 --> 00:41:34,320
[Mike] Hard pack? Is that you?

713
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,300
No one else seems to think anything's wrong.

714
00:41:36,300 --> 00:41:38,750
But how could they let him die?

715
00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:43,160
♪♪♪ All I know.

716
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,910
Is I'm not letting him get us.

717
00:41:46,910 --> 00:41:49,570
All the grown ups worry about their stupid problems.

718
00:41:49,570 --> 00:41:51,130
[Bill] Stupid adults probably don't even make good

719
00:41:51,130 --> 00:41:55,840
avocado toast! Ha ha! Millenials right? (Mike laughs)

720
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,930
[Bill] Burn! Took them to school!

721
00:41:57,930 --> 00:42:00,670
Murderers. We're just kids.

722
00:42:00,670 --> 00:42:02,360
Who get killed.

723
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,700
[Kevin] And why is our art hung so low on the wall?

724
00:42:04,700 --> 00:42:07,710
Look, Tuna. I know you've been through a lot more than we have.

725
00:42:07,710 --> 00:42:12,140
But we gotta do something! Why? Why is it up to us?

726
00:42:12,140 --> 00:42:15,710
Why can't we just stay in our backyards and just keep away from him?

727
00:42:15,710 --> 00:42:18,160
Because we're the Rocketeers and we stick together.

728
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:22,590
[Mike] Naturally we're the Rocketeers because we own one toy rocket.

729
00:42:22,590 --> 00:42:24,750
We're doing this.

730
00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:28,780
The three of us. We'll need a camera.

731
00:42:28,780 --> 00:42:32,240
We can take a picture of him and give it to the police.

732
00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:34,580
[Bill] Yes, you might say we can do "it".

733
00:42:34,580 --> 00:42:37,870
If we're penny wise and pound foolish and we don't clown around!

734
00:42:37,870 --> 00:42:39,330
[Kevin] Oh Bill.

735
00:42:39,330 --> 00:42:40,850
[Bill] I love me.

736
00:42:40,850 --> 00:42:42,410
[Kevin] Just go to hell.

737
00:42:42,410 --> 00:42:45,030
[Bill] Okay. Ha! Ha!

738
00:42:45,030 --> 00:42:48,270
[Kevin] No no. It's Hee Haw! Your favorite show is Hee Haw!

739
00:42:48,270 --> 00:42:51,370
You said you could? I don't want to look stupid.

740
00:42:51,370 --> 00:42:53,230
I've got news for you.

741
00:42:53,230 --> 00:42:56,980
Shut up. I can hear you guys all the way in the backyard.

742
00:42:56,980 --> 00:42:58,730
Let's go.

743
00:42:58,730 --> 00:43:00,170
[Mike] And they're both instantly blinded by

744
00:43:00,170 --> 00:43:02,580
rocket cones when they bike over the curb.

745
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:04,990
♪♪♪ Okay guys.

746
00:43:04,990 --> 00:43:09,170
It's 11:45. We've been out 35 minutes. Let's take a break.

747
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:11,980
[Bill] Take a break after being out for 35 minutes?

748
00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:14,270
You make Teamsters look diligent. But, okay.

749
00:43:14,270 --> 00:43:16,720
Maybe ice cream man thinks he's the Pied Piper.

750
00:43:16,720 --> 00:43:18,560
Huh?

751
00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:22,720
Well, he drives around in his truck playing the music.

752
00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:25,180
And all the kids come running.

753
00:43:25,180 --> 00:43:27,980
[Kevin] Yeah. So do Frisbee and arm pit fart on KROC 107.

754
00:43:27,980 --> 00:43:30,220
But I'm pretty sure they're not Pied Pipers.

755
00:43:30,220 --> 00:43:33,750
Let's not talk about that right now.

756
00:43:33,750 --> 00:43:36,480
♪♪♪ Get down!

757
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:40,360
[Mike] I don't want that handsome ice cream man to see me in this outfit. ♪♪♪

758
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:46,720
♪♪♪

759
00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:50,460
[Bill] Stupid Jan Michael Vincent. I'm better looking than him now!

760
00:43:50,460 --> 00:43:53,140
Google it, people. (Kevin laughs)

761
00:43:53,140 --> 00:43:56,220
Jan Michael Vincent, 2018.

762
00:43:56,220 --> 00:43:58,830
Come on! Tuna!

763
00:43:58,830 --> 00:44:03,010
[Mike] Come on Tuna is what I scream at the guys working behind the sushi bar.

764
00:44:03,010 --> 00:44:10,560
♪♪♪

765
00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:15,080
♪♪♪ [Kevin] ET is in that basket. Well, ET's remains. Found him in a ditch

766
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:21,010
all dried out. ♪♪♪

767
00:44:21,010 --> 00:44:24,000
♪♪♪ [Bill] (sings) Like a rock!

768
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:33,060
[Mike] The official step band of sawed off, dumbass, pecker woods like Clint Howard.

769
00:44:33,060 --> 00:44:36,270
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Runs into Jeffrey Dahmer going the other way.

770
00:44:36,270 --> 00:44:39,420
"Hey! Did you drill a hole in his skull to control his thoughts?"

771
00:44:39,420 --> 00:44:40,840
[Bill] Uh no.

772
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:46,930
[Kevin] Amateur!

773
00:44:46,930 --> 00:44:51,370
♪♪♪ [Mike] Poor guy. No one wanted to come to his garbage funeral.

774
00:44:51,370 --> 00:44:59,590
♪♪♪ Tuna, come on!

775
00:44:59,590 --> 00:45:02,670
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Hey guys! This rocket doesn't look too phallic, does it?

776
00:45:02,670 --> 00:45:11,490
♪♪♪

777
00:45:11,490 --> 00:45:19,600
[Bill] Hurry up. We're missing Clint Howard's performance art piece.

778
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,330
[Mike] Is there a reason the Rocketeers

779
00:45:21,330 --> 00:45:25,660
need to be dressed like south american rebels?

780
00:45:25,660 --> 00:45:27,590
Where the hell's he going? Shh.

781
00:45:27,590 --> 00:45:32,810
Small Paul!

782
00:45:32,810 --> 00:45:37,610
[Kevin] Nice of him to give him to give Paul a proper graveyard burial though.

783
00:45:37,610 --> 00:45:39,630
I want to go back! I want to go back!

784
00:45:39,630 --> 00:45:44,410
What's he doing to Small Paul?

785
00:45:44,410 --> 00:45:46,950
[Bill] I go through a similar ritual every time

786
00:45:46,950 --> 00:45:50,820
I take a dump on Orville Redenbacher's grave.(Kevin laughs)

787
00:45:50,820 --> 00:45:53,250
[Bill] What? You celebrate Christmas your way,

788
00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:56,930
I. Ice cream?

789
00:45:56,930 --> 00:45:59,360
I'm fixing up a little party for ya.

790
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:01,050
[Mike] Invited Dracula and the Wolfman.

791
00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:06,450
Came up with the idea working in the lab late one night.

792
00:46:06,450 --> 00:46:09,160
Looks like you've got a lot of friends.

793
00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:13,060
[Kevin] I once had some imaginary friends. But they all died by my hand.

794
00:46:13,060 --> 00:46:17,600
How much ice cream I bring, you can pass it out later.

795
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:22,110
I'm doing really good.

796
00:46:22,110 --> 00:46:26,230
[Bill] Just last week I surpassed Hannibal Lechter in livers eaten!

797
00:46:26,230 --> 00:46:28,780
They love ice cream. (laughs)

798
00:46:28,780 --> 00:46:32,540
It's gonna be a good summer.

799
00:46:32,540 --> 00:46:35,820
[Mike] He can't wait for everyone to see his new Speedo. (Kevin laughs)

800
00:46:35,820 --> 00:46:37,780
Hey, would you mind your business?

801
00:46:37,780 --> 00:46:40,470
I'm talking to somebody.

802
00:46:40,470 --> 00:46:43,780
Guys having a party?

803
00:46:43,780 --> 00:46:46,960
[Kevin] I like parties. Oh wait. No it's murder. Murders. That's what I like.

804
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:51,770
♪♪♪

805
00:46:51,770 --> 00:46:59,460
[Bill] Emotional or gastric distress? Can't really tell.

806
00:46:59,460 --> 00:47:03,670
♪♪♪ [Mike] Sorry. I was thinking about today's Beetle Bailey just then.

807
00:47:03,670 --> 00:47:07,850
♪♪♪ You have a happy, happy day.

808
00:47:07,850 --> 00:47:12,110
♪♪♪

809
00:47:12,110 --> 00:47:13,880
♪♪♪ [Kevin] You know, he tries to act happy.

810
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:15,540
But he knows in his heart he'll never get the

811
00:47:15,540 --> 00:47:18,690
same respect as his brother, Ron, ice cream man.

812
00:47:18,690 --> 00:47:22,250
♪♪♪

813
00:47:22,250 --> 00:47:27,150
♪♪♪

814
00:47:27,150 --> 00:47:29,540
Sure is getting noisy around here.

815
00:47:29,540 --> 00:47:34,040
[Bill] Or maybe that's just the screaming goats in my head. ♪♪♪

816
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:39,960
♪♪♪

817
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:42,600
[Mike] Say a quick prayer to my pagan ice cream god!

818
00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:45,530
♪♪♪

819
00:47:45,530 --> 00:47:51,880
♪♪♪

820
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:59,910
♪♪♪ [Kevin] There goes the last shred of his dignity. Crushed beneath his butt.

821
00:47:59,910 --> 00:48:04,730
[Bill] Next on the agenda?

822
00:48:04,730 --> 00:48:08,870
Leaving a box of extra crispy on Colonel Sander's grave.

823
00:48:08,870 --> 00:48:12,590
♪♪♪

824
00:48:12,590 --> 00:48:18,270
♪♪♪

825
00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:19,710
[Mike] I'm having so much fun!

826
00:48:19,710 --> 00:48:22,010
We should follow deranged lunatics around more often!

827
00:48:22,010 --> 00:48:29,210
Fudge brickle.

828
00:48:29,210 --> 00:48:31,650
Ice cream cake.

829
00:48:31,650 --> 00:48:33,940
[Kevin] You guys should really learn to read, like me.

830
00:48:33,940 --> 00:48:37,330
Let's go. Yeah.

831
00:48:37,330 --> 00:48:45,140
♪♪♪

832
00:48:45,140 --> 00:48:48,550
♪♪♪ [Bill] Ice cream prince. But if the ice cream king is dead,

833
00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:51,450
shouldn't he have inherited the ice cream throne?

834
00:48:51,450 --> 00:48:52,900
[Kevin] I don't know.

835
00:48:52,900 --> 00:48:58,110
[Bill] Ice cream monarchy. Confusing.

836
00:48:58,110 --> 00:49:01,870
[Mike] Get a less conspicuous vehicle? Like the weiner mobile?

837
00:49:01,870 --> 00:49:05,350
I lost track of Tuna. We'd batter go back. You go.

838
00:49:05,350 --> 00:49:07,010
[Kevin] I'm indifferent to his fate.

839
00:49:07,010 --> 00:49:11,690
I'll be fine. Just give me your bike so I can have a rocket.

840
00:49:11,690 --> 00:49:14,580
I don't think so. Don't worry. I'm a Rocketeer!

841
00:49:14,580 --> 00:49:17,500
Just make sure Tuna didn't fall or something.

842
00:49:17,500 --> 00:49:21,530
Meet me back here, all right? And hurry!

843
00:49:21,530 --> 00:49:24,610
[Bill] I don't want to get killed all by myself. ♪♪♪

844
00:49:24,610 --> 00:49:29,750
♪♪♪

845
00:49:29,750 --> 00:49:35,860
♪♪♪

846
00:49:35,860 --> 00:49:38,370
♪♪♪ [Mike] She sleeps under a reptile heating lamp.

847
00:49:38,370 --> 00:49:40,220
Because why should reptiles get all the heat?

848
00:49:40,220 --> 00:49:44,490
[Kevin] Yeah.

849
00:49:44,490 --> 00:49:46,910
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Remember kids. Always be sure to watch for passing

850
00:49:46,910 --> 00:49:51,230
cars when you walk across the street to a psychopath's vehicle.

851
00:49:51,230 --> 00:49:58,400
♪♪♪

852
00:49:58,400 --> 00:50:02,890
♪♪♪ [Bill] Ugh. These Nutty Buddy cravings are gonna be the death of me.

853
00:50:02,890 --> 00:50:06,440
♪♪♪

854
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:09,430
♪♪♪

855
00:50:09,430 --> 00:50:22,050
♪♪♪ [Mike] He must have a very bribable health inspector. ♪♪♪

856
00:50:22,050 --> 00:50:26,520
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Well gotta say so far, Stranger Things,

857
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:31,580
season three feels like a big step down.

858
00:50:31,580 --> 00:50:34,020
♪♪♪ Tuna! Are you okay?

859
00:50:34,020 --> 00:50:37,220
No! What's wrong? My sides are killing me.

860
00:50:37,220 --> 00:50:39,990
I feel like I want a puke! Hey, where's Heather?

861
00:50:39,990 --> 00:50:42,830
I left her back at the ice cream truck.

862
00:50:42,830 --> 00:50:45,620
[Bill] Sweet! I'm gonna go puke on her.

863
00:50:45,620 --> 00:50:50,390
♪♪♪

864
00:50:50,390 --> 00:50:53,470
♪♪♪

865
00:50:53,470 --> 00:50:55,150
Small Paul.

866
00:50:55,150 --> 00:50:57,520
[Mike] Also, no mint chocolate chip? Really?

867
00:50:57,520 --> 00:51:00,960
♪♪♪

868
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:04,830
Ahhh! Holy shit!

869
00:51:04,830 --> 00:51:06,980
Kid's got a gun!

870
00:51:06,980 --> 00:51:11,510
[Kevin] Idiot Cop will be back, right after this.

871
00:51:11,510 --> 00:51:13,220
[Bill] (laughs) This isn't a game, boys.

872
00:51:13,220 --> 00:51:15,680
There's a child stalker out there. And you two are playing cops and robbers.

873
00:51:15,680 --> 00:51:17,640
But what about Heather?

874
00:51:17,640 --> 00:51:20,160
[Bill] Cops and robbers. Was is it? 1925. I've already called it in.

875
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:21,900
There's someone already on the way to her house.

876
00:51:21,900 --> 00:51:25,160
She's not at her house!! You guys want to end up on a milk carton?

877
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:31,440
[Mike] You know what? Don't bother answering. Our scene's over.

878
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:35,140
(knock)

879
00:51:35,140 --> 00:51:38,070
[Kevin] Ugh. It's probably those nocturnal Mormans again.

880
00:51:38,070 --> 00:51:42,330
I'm sorry to disturb you Reverend Langley.

881
00:51:42,330 --> 00:51:44,980
But we had a report that your daughter Heather was missing.

882
00:51:44,980 --> 00:51:47,960
She's tucked away in bed. Has been all night.

883
00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:52,120
[Bill] I have omniscient dad powers.

884
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:57,470
I hate to do this, sir. But could you please check on her?

885
00:51:57,470 --> 00:52:02,590
[Mike] Well, all right. But it's far too late for this sort of daft wankery.

886
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:09,690
[Kevin] Ah yes. Old timey clown puppets. Very popular with

887
00:52:09,690 --> 00:52:11,820
90s kids.

888
00:52:19,690 --> 00:52:22,430
[Bill] (British accent) Terribly sorry to do this darling.

889
00:52:22,430 --> 00:52:27,030
But the barbies are really on my arse!

890
00:52:35,330 --> 00:52:37,440
[Mike] How does dad still smell like garlic bread?

891
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:42,030
We haven't had italian food for a week! ♪♪♪

892
00:52:42,030 --> 00:52:46,940
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Wonder how many fruit rollups I could hock this for?

893
00:52:46,940 --> 00:52:51,570
♪♪♪

894
00:52:51,570 --> 00:52:55,850
She's sleeping like a baby.

895
00:52:55,850 --> 00:52:58,850
Come to church on Sunday, Charles.

896
00:52:58,850 --> 00:53:01,220
I'm giving a sermon on trust.

897
00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:04,780
[Bill] I hope you don't mind if I compare you to Satan in it.

898
00:53:04,780 --> 00:53:08,630
♪♪♪

899
00:53:08,630 --> 00:53:13,710
(sighs) Damn! The Langley girl's fine, sleeping like a baby. 10-4.

900
00:53:13,710 --> 00:53:16,310
[Mike] He didn't say "good buddy"? How rude!

901
00:53:16,310 --> 00:53:19,680
First the ice cream man kills the Weatherly boy, and now the Langley girl?

902
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:23,280
We've had it up to here.

903
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,970
[Kevin] Oh no! I turned the movie off! Sorry. (Mike laughs)

904
00:53:31,900 --> 00:53:35,510
When do you want them? It says one hour.

905
00:53:35,510 --> 00:53:40,520
You could get our duplicates. Or you could get our eight hour service for.

906
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:43,170
[Bill] They found a guy who out Clint Howard's Clint Howard!

907
00:53:43,170 --> 00:53:47,480
Depends on how many exposures come out. I need those immediately.

908
00:53:47,480 --> 00:53:53,230
Four by six over size, is? $14 bucks.

909
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:55,820
Three by five regular. How soon?

910
00:53:55,820 --> 00:53:58,480
[Mike] I'm not missing Rocko's Modern Life for this!

911
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:03,360
$14 bucks. One day.

912
00:54:03,360 --> 00:54:08,380
Twelve. Back in an hour.

913
00:54:08,380 --> 00:54:13,650
[Kevin] I can't wait until advances in digital technology put that guy out of business.

914
00:54:13,650 --> 00:54:15,930
[Mike] I heard that.

915
00:54:21,650 --> 00:54:24,730
♪♪♪ [Bill] Lucky bastards got assigned to nap duty.

916
00:54:24,730 --> 00:54:30,360
♪♪♪

917
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:32,910
[Mike] (deep voice) Hey guys! I got you some murder cream!

918
00:54:32,910 --> 00:54:37,180
I mean some ice murder! I mean I! I'm dumber than you.

919
00:54:37,180 --> 00:54:42,790
The ice cream man is like the Pied Piper. Only evil.

920
00:54:42,790 --> 00:54:45,470
[Kevin] Is the Pied Piper known for his staunch morality?

921
00:54:45,470 --> 00:54:50,520
He drives around in his truck, tempting all the kids. And they follow him.

922
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:53,890
Then slowly, he gets rid of them.

923
00:54:53,890 --> 00:54:55,510
Like rats.

924
00:54:55,510 --> 00:54:59,220
[Mike] Remember how that old guy spelled it out in detail an hour ago? It's like that.

925
00:54:59,220 --> 00:55:01,900
Lovely. We only need ten dollars worth of quarters.

926
00:55:01,900 --> 00:55:03,520
And we can pick up the film.

927
00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:05,660
I think we've got it.

928
00:55:05,660 --> 00:55:07,180
[Kevin] I stole this from the piggy bank man.

929
00:55:07,180 --> 00:55:08,980
Hopefully that won't come back to haunt us?

930
00:55:08,980 --> 00:55:10,720
Johnny? Yeah?

931
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:14,980
What the hell are you doing with my camera? Where's the film!?

932
00:55:14,980 --> 00:55:18,640
[Bill] If you saw any dick pics, they were for art class.

933
00:55:18,640 --> 00:55:22,180
Where's the film? Let's go. I got it.

934
00:55:22,180 --> 00:55:26,300
Let's go.

935
00:55:26,300 --> 00:55:31,260
♪♪♪ [Mike] Well, he was voted most likely to lurk outside somebody's private pool.

936
00:55:31,260 --> 00:55:35,980
♪♪♪

937
00:55:35,980 --> 00:55:39,240
[Kevin] This is just Clint Howard after hours. He didn't notice the camera.

938
00:55:39,240 --> 00:55:45,000
♪♪♪

939
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:51,120
♪♪♪ [Bill] So, she's into the concept of "having sex", generally speaking.

940
00:55:51,120 --> 00:55:57,190
[Mike] Yeah. She's horny for horniness.

941
00:55:57,190 --> 00:55:59,950
[Kevin] Silver shadow two. When you want your luxury car to sound like

942
00:55:59,950 --> 00:56:03,560
the sequel to a homemade super hero movie.

943
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:09,790
♪♪♪

944
00:56:09,790 --> 00:56:16,310
[Bill] Now off to my lunch with Terri Silver of Dynatax Industries. What the hell?

945
00:56:16,310 --> 00:56:21,690
♪♪♪ Hey! Get that hunk of junk out of here!

946
00:56:21,690 --> 00:56:24,580
[Mike] Didn't Adam Driver say that in Last Jedi?

947
00:56:24,580 --> 00:56:27,880
[Kevin] Pretty much word for word. Yep! In a hurry here! Yo!

948
00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:29,810
Come on! This isn't a parking lot!

949
00:56:29,810 --> 00:56:31,330
[Bill] He was mopey about it.

950
00:56:31,330 --> 00:56:34,040
Ice cream man! (screams)

951
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:35,700
Hunk of junk.

952
00:56:35,700 --> 00:56:37,530
[Bill] Lego my Eggo!

953
00:56:37,530 --> 00:56:41,050
[Mike] (laughs) Come on ice cream man. The perfect kill quip was right there.

954
00:56:41,050 --> 00:56:45,560
Well, hello!

955
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:48,840
[Kevin] Hmmm. Bloody Clint Howard strip o gram. Hello!

956
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,320
Never would have made it through the door.

957
00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:53,410
I brought you something special.

958
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:56,420
Whoo. Sounds yummy!

959
00:56:56,420 --> 00:56:58,730
You know? We should swap recipes?

960
00:56:58,730 --> 00:57:01,570
Creamsicle, for a custard pie.

961
00:57:01,570 --> 00:57:03,500
(laughs)

962
00:57:03,500 --> 00:57:05,620
[Bill] Ugh! Did you already have a waffle cone that big?

963
00:57:05,620 --> 00:57:11,320
Or did you make it special for this? Agghh!

964
00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:14,050
Well I checked out ice cream man.

965
00:57:14,050 --> 00:57:17,280
Couldn't find squat. But that weird lady? With the dog?

966
00:57:17,280 --> 00:57:22,370
I remember she was just as flipped as he was. You talking about the nurse?

967
00:57:22,370 --> 00:57:25,930
[Mike] Also, why were we outside leaning on the car just now? (Kevin laughs)

968
00:57:25,930 --> 00:57:29,940
I called and checked on her nursing license. She had a career from 1950-1993.

969
00:57:29,940 --> 00:57:32,500
Spent the last 20 at some private clinic

970
00:57:32,500 --> 00:57:34,770
called Wishing Well for the Mentally Disturbed.

971
00:57:34,770 --> 00:57:37,430
[Kevin] It's a wishing well that you throw mentally disturbed people into.

972
00:57:37,430 --> 00:57:41,770
Bad idea all around. Oh my god!

973
00:57:41,770 --> 00:57:45,500
I'm gonna kill those bastards!

974
00:57:45,500 --> 00:57:47,120
[Bill] Remember when photos were developed

975
00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:49,530
on a rotating wheel everyone could see?

976
00:57:49,530 --> 00:57:52,300
[Kevin] No, I do not.

977
00:57:55,950 --> 00:57:58,830
[Mike] My boyfriend's having an affair withe the ice cream man?

978
00:57:58,830 --> 00:58:05,830
(screams) ♪♪♪

979
00:58:05,830 --> 00:58:09,020
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Norman Rockwell's finest. You know?

980
00:58:09,020 --> 00:58:11,450
This is the whole secret to making ice cream.

981
00:58:11,450 --> 00:58:15,050
It's this kind of secret ingredient I put in it.

982
00:58:15,050 --> 00:58:17,990
Here come on. Let's go put it in.

983
00:58:17,990 --> 00:58:21,660
[Bill] No no. Please don't talk about "putting it in." Ice cream man.

984
00:58:21,660 --> 00:58:26,050
You gotta just dump a little bit of this stuff. in. Makes it sweet.

985
00:58:26,050 --> 00:58:30,500
[Mike] It's sugar. His diabolical secret ice cream ingredient is sugar.

986
00:58:30,500 --> 00:58:34,810
Special amount you put in.

987
00:58:34,810 --> 00:58:38,440
[Kevin] This is like if Charlie and the Chocolate factory were a snuff film.

988
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:41,550
The trick is just stirring it in just right.

989
00:58:41,550 --> 00:58:46,520
Would you like to stir? Yeah.

990
00:58:46,520 --> 00:58:49,870
[Bill] Mmm. Strawberry Stockholm Syndrome.

991
00:58:49,870 --> 00:58:57,780
Watch your hand. That blade. That blade will take your hand right off.

992
00:58:57,780 --> 00:59:00,490
[Mike] (distant yelling) Which is why I said I wouldn't want to get my hand caught in it!

993
00:59:00,490 --> 00:59:03,950
[Bill] Thank you Derek. Made it pretty clear.

994
00:59:03,950 --> 00:59:07,020
There you go!

995
00:59:07,020 --> 00:59:10,040
[Kevin] His homemade Pepto Bismol prevents and causes diarrhea.

996
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,760
Whoo! (laughing)

997
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:15,870
♪♪♪

998
00:59:15,870 --> 00:59:20,260
♪♪♪

999
00:59:20,260 --> 00:59:25,000
♪♪♪ [Mike] This movie's doing for enjoying ice cream

1000
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:28,540
what Jaws did for going to the beach.

1001
00:59:28,540 --> 00:59:34,550
♪♪♪

1002
00:59:34,550 --> 00:59:39,720
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Huh. Oversized novelty condom?

1003
00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:41,640
[Bill] Over size?

1004
00:59:41,640 --> 00:59:43,300
Looks normal to me.

1005
00:59:43,300 --> 00:59:45,010
[Kevin] (laughs) Of course! Yes! I totally agree!

1006
00:59:45,010 --> 00:59:47,610
[Bill] Maybe a little smaller.

1007
00:59:47,610 --> 00:59:51,770
♪♪♪

1008
00:59:51,770 --> 00:59:53,580
♪♪♪ [Mike] Even the leprechaun from the leprechaun movies

1009
00:59:53,580 --> 00:59:57,030
thinks he's a little too "leprechauny?

1010
00:59:57,030 --> 01:00:00,100
♪♪♪

1011
01:00:00,100 --> 01:00:06,530
♪♪♪

1012
01:00:06,530 --> 01:00:10,390
[Kevin] Well he's not singing, so I still prefer him to Sweeney Todd.

1013
01:00:10,390 --> 01:00:13,350
♪♪♪

1014
01:00:13,350 --> 01:00:18,270
♪♪♪

1015
01:00:18,270 --> 01:00:20,310
[Bill] Good scene. (Kevin laughs)

1016
01:00:20,310 --> 01:00:21,940
Do you really think your brother's gonna

1017
01:00:21,940 --> 01:00:23,700
pick up those pictures without looking at them?

1018
01:00:23,700 --> 01:00:26,990
I don't know. He's stupid enough.

1019
01:00:26,990 --> 01:00:31,050
[Bill] Not smart like us. Sitting in a playground, at night, for no apparent reason.

1020
01:00:31,050 --> 01:00:33,930
What happens if he's not?

1021
01:00:33,930 --> 01:00:37,320
(sighs) Geez! What are you? Stupid?

1022
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:39,810
[Mike] No. I'm artificially fat. Remember?

1023
01:00:39,810 --> 01:00:41,220
I've got to get home.

1024
01:00:41,220 --> 01:00:43,370
If my mom finds out I snuck out. We'll ride with you.

1025
01:00:43,370 --> 01:00:46,430
I'll be fine. We're riding with you.

1026
01:00:46,430 --> 01:00:48,940
[Kevin] Not even sure why we had this scene actually?

1027
01:00:48,940 --> 01:00:51,040
Not the same as they used to be around here.

1028
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:55,350
More patients have died. And some pockets dried up.

1029
01:00:55,350 --> 01:00:59,340
Hmm. Of course, when you die, you'll dry up.

1030
01:00:59,340 --> 01:01:03,640
[Bill] Unless you drown. Look, I'm still workshopping the joke, okay?

1031
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:06,750
Real ones die. We want happy patients.

1032
01:01:06,750 --> 01:01:11,810
So you do, shock therapy lobotomy?

1033
01:01:11,810 --> 01:01:13,510
Like that cuckoo movie?

1034
01:01:13,510 --> 01:01:16,650
[Mike] "That cuckoo movie." is how Sinatra described every movie. (Bill laughs)

1035
01:01:16,650 --> 01:01:18,710
We believe in compassion.

1036
01:01:18,710 --> 01:01:20,330
(distant screaming) Help me!!

1037
01:01:20,330 --> 01:01:21,830
Shut up!!

1038
01:01:21,830 --> 01:01:23,580
[Kevin] Wow. Ed Asner's a lousy therapist.

1039
01:01:23,580 --> 01:01:25,470
You remember a nurse Wharton?

1040
01:01:25,470 --> 01:01:28,880
Do I? (laughs)

1041
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:30,910
Hell, everybody did.

1042
01:01:30,910 --> 01:01:33,460
[Bill] Everybody, remembered her?

1043
01:01:33,460 --> 01:01:36,730
What did everybody like so much about Nurse Wharton?

1044
01:01:36,730 --> 01:01:41,060
She gave everybody ice cream. When the pain and the loneliness came.

1045
01:01:41,060 --> 01:01:44,000
She cared for the patient.

1046
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:46,710
Gregory was her favorite.

1047
01:01:46,710 --> 01:01:51,400
[Mike] Allen Gregory. The short lived animated sitcom with Jonah Hill.

1048
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:55,220
(distant screaming) Oh god!! Do something!

1049
01:01:55,220 --> 01:01:57,090
Anthony's getting out of hand.

1050
01:01:57,090 --> 01:01:58,600
I must ask you two to leave.

1051
01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:02,740
[Kevin] Or else I'll refer to even more people you don't know by first name only.

1052
01:02:02,740 --> 01:02:06,690
This is not a happy day!! (laughs)

1053
01:02:06,690 --> 01:02:11,320
(laughing)

1054
01:02:11,320 --> 01:02:17,200
[Bill] A Jiminy Glick school of psychiatry may have been a mistake.

1055
01:02:17,200 --> 01:02:21,250
(distant screaming)

1056
01:02:21,250 --> 01:02:23,800
♪♪♪ [Mike] Begrudgingly following a madman down

1057
01:02:23,800 --> 01:02:25,880
a dark hallway for unclear reasons.

1058
01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:29,220
That's Ice Cream Man in a nutshell.

1059
01:02:29,220 --> 01:02:34,780
(foot steps)

1060
01:02:34,780 --> 01:02:37,580
[Kevin] Yeah, somebody's using the dip on Judge Doom.

1061
01:02:37,580 --> 01:02:42,170
(laughing)

1062
01:02:42,170 --> 01:02:44,380
Uh? (laughing)

1063
01:02:44,380 --> 01:02:50,480
♪♪♪

1064
01:02:50,480 --> 01:02:52,820
[Mike] You have reached your data limit for the month?

1065
01:02:52,820 --> 01:02:55,270
Well that's a helluva way to tell me.

1066
01:02:55,270 --> 01:02:57,670
Oh god.

1067
01:02:57,670 --> 01:03:02,800
♪♪♪

1068
01:03:02,800 --> 01:03:07,150
[Kevin] It's like a bored eight grader's notebook. writ large.

1069
01:03:07,150 --> 01:03:13,640
♪♪♪ (laughing)

1070
01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:16,460
(laughing) [Bill] Did someone say "hell?

1071
01:03:16,460 --> 01:03:19,550
[Mike] Imagining some PA painting that on set

1072
01:03:19,550 --> 01:03:23,740
is the first laugh this movie's given me.

1073
01:03:23,740 --> 01:03:26,410
♪♪♪ Remember.

1074
01:03:26,410 --> 01:03:30,670
Only happy days.

1075
01:03:30,670 --> 01:03:34,240
[Kevin] Forget Joanie Loves Chachi.

1076
01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:38,210
Bad days! (laughing)

1077
01:03:38,210 --> 01:03:42,660
(singing)

1078
01:03:42,660 --> 01:03:46,740
[Bill] Well, everything seems up to code here. We'll be on our way.

1079
01:03:46,740 --> 01:03:51,890
♪♪♪ Happy days.

1080
01:03:51,890 --> 01:03:55,680
Let's get out of here. This isn't our jurisdiction

1081
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:57,000
[Mike] No.

1082
01:03:57,000 --> 01:04:00,130
It's a community haunted house put on by the local high school.

1083
01:04:00,130 --> 01:04:05,720
♪♪♪

1084
01:04:05,720 --> 01:04:08,510
♪♪♪ [Kevin] The amazing thing is, that horny poolside lady has hooked up

1085
01:04:08,510 --> 01:04:10,820
with every single one of these guys.

1086
01:04:10,820 --> 01:04:17,210
♪♪♪

1087
01:04:17,210 --> 01:04:20,770
[Bill] Hi, I'm Ted. I do accounting here. Have a good one!

1088
01:04:20,770 --> 01:04:27,220
I'll meet you at the car.

1089
01:04:27,220 --> 01:04:29,660
♪♪♪ [Mike] I'm Jan Michael Vincent.

1090
01:04:29,660 --> 01:04:33,150
I'm a real actor who does real movies. I'm Jan Michael Vincent.

1091
01:04:33,150 --> 01:04:37,870
I'm a real actor who does real movies. (fake sobs) I'm Jan Michael.

1092
01:04:37,870 --> 01:04:40,840
Anybody have some drugs?

1093
01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:49,120
♪♪♪

1094
01:04:49,120 --> 01:04:52,340
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ahh. She would go onto crawl out of a television set in The Ring.

1095
01:04:52,340 --> 01:04:58,900
♪♪♪

1096
01:04:58,900 --> 01:05:04,620
♪♪♪ [Bill] Times like this he asks himself, "What would Al Borland do?"

1097
01:05:04,620 --> 01:05:09,540
(distant laughing)

1098
01:05:09,540 --> 01:05:14,740
[Mike] The background from a Twisted Sister video becomes a real place.

1099
01:05:14,740 --> 01:05:20,180
♪♪♪

1100
01:05:20,180 --> 01:05:23,320
♪♪♪ [Kevin] He's getting worried this depiction

1101
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:29,420
of mental illness is too sensitive and nuanced. See?

1102
01:05:29,420 --> 01:05:32,310
[Bill] (laughs) That's what I'd do.

1103
01:05:32,310 --> 01:05:36,310
♪♪♪

1104
01:05:36,310 --> 01:05:43,530
♪♪♪ [Bill] Bearded white guys. They're totally gonna gentrify this place and ruin it.

1105
01:05:43,530 --> 01:05:47,540
♪♪♪ [Mike] Help the little girls? Naww?

1106
01:05:47,540 --> 01:05:49,900
Good. Good jobs. Solid work.

1107
01:05:49,900 --> 01:05:51,550
No one leaves the Wishing Well.

1108
01:05:51,550 --> 01:05:53,440
Doctor's orders. (laughing)

1109
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:55,440
[Kevin] Guys? I don't mean to rush to judgment here,

1110
01:05:55,440 --> 01:05:58,710
but this doesn't seem like a very good hospital.

1111
01:05:58,710 --> 01:06:04,340
(screaming)

1112
01:06:04,340 --> 01:06:13,420
[Bill] Oh boy. He's gonna have a lot of body cam footage to delete after this. ♪♪♪

1113
01:06:13,420 --> 01:06:19,950
♪♪♪ [Mike] This would be me, five minutes into one of those escape rooms. ♪♪♪

1114
01:06:19,950 --> 01:06:22,290
[Bill] Borland power!

1115
01:06:22,290 --> 01:06:23,840
[Kevin] Wait. It's dark out?

1116
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:25,300
They got here in the daytime.

1117
01:06:25,300 --> 01:06:27,870
How many hours did it take to find the clearly marked exits?

1118
01:06:27,870 --> 01:06:30,120
[Bill] Wondering the same thing right now.

1119
01:06:30,120 --> 01:06:31,730
[Kevin] Staying right there.

1120
01:06:31,730 --> 01:06:36,220
♪♪♪ Cloverdale?

1121
01:06:36,220 --> 01:06:40,210
This is Detective Maldwyn. Riverside PD. Emergency!

1122
01:06:40,210 --> 01:06:41,890
Repeat! Emergency!

1123
01:06:41,890 --> 01:06:45,010
[Mike] Oh. If only there were walkie talkies he could walk and talk with.

1124
01:06:45,010 --> 01:06:48,080
♪♪♪ (on radio) Go ahead, Detective.

1125
01:06:48,080 --> 01:06:51,910
Yeah. Wishing Well Hospital. Get some people down here quick.

1126
01:06:51,910 --> 01:06:55,330
[Kevin] Oh. And those gun shots you just heard? Fireworks.

1127
01:06:55,330 --> 01:06:57,120
Forget that I called them gun shots.

1128
01:06:57,120 --> 01:07:00,200
♪♪♪

1129
01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:05,960
♪♪♪

1130
01:07:05,960 --> 01:07:09,250
[Bill] Yeah, I'll be in your damn movie. But I'm not running.

1131
01:07:09,250 --> 01:07:15,360
♪♪♪ [Bill] Jan Michael Vincent.

1132
01:07:15,360 --> 01:07:17,620
♪♪♪ [Mike] Really never thought I'd say this, but

1133
01:07:17,620 --> 01:07:20,480
could we please get back to Clint Howard as the ice cream man?

1134
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:22,740
[Kevin] Please.

1135
01:07:22,740 --> 01:07:24,580
♪♪♪ Alan! Go!

1136
01:07:24,580 --> 01:07:29,750
[Kevin] Brains!! Wait, what kind of movie is this again? ♪♪♪

1137
01:07:29,750 --> 01:07:33,380
Run Tuna! Be quiet. Moving as fast as I can.

1138
01:07:33,380 --> 01:07:34,990
That's your fastest?

1139
01:07:34,990 --> 01:07:37,650
[Bill] After a fun break with cops shooting the helpless victims

1140
01:07:37,650 --> 01:07:41,820
of a corrupt mental ward, it's back to the kids.

1141
01:07:41,820 --> 01:07:45,850
(screaming) Oh crap! Go! Hurry!

1142
01:07:45,850 --> 01:07:48,370
Don't stop peddling!

1143
01:07:48,370 --> 01:07:50,820
[Mike] Don't stop peddling. Useful tip. Thanks.

1144
01:07:50,820 --> 01:07:54,060
[Kevin] Oh, someone's got a future as a spin instructor.

1145
01:07:54,060 --> 01:07:57,420
♪♪♪

1146
01:07:57,420 --> 01:08:00,020
I'm trolling for Tuna!

1147
01:08:00,020 --> 01:08:02,450
[Bill] And there you have it. The whole reason they named a kid Tuna.

1148
01:08:02,450 --> 01:08:04,170
[Mike] All worth it!!

1149
01:08:04,170 --> 01:08:06,690
[Bill] You bet! (Kevin laughs)

1150
01:08:06,690 --> 01:08:10,400
♪♪♪ (indistinct)

1151
01:08:10,400 --> 01:08:12,440
[Kevin] This is for pretending to be a fat kid when you're not.

1152
01:08:12,440 --> 01:08:15,180
You're appropriating fat kid culture!

1153
01:08:15,180 --> 01:08:18,390
♪♪♪

1154
01:08:18,390 --> 01:08:20,350
Your ice cream.

1155
01:08:20,350 --> 01:08:23,130
[Bill] Tuna flavored ice cream?

1156
01:08:23,130 --> 01:08:27,310
No? Seems like another missed opportunity, ice cream man?

1157
01:08:27,310 --> 01:08:32,430
♪♪♪

1158
01:08:32,430 --> 01:08:36,830
♪♪♪ [Mike] Proudly hitting the freezer. Like I do after filling mine

1159
01:08:36,830 --> 01:08:40,710
to the brim with Hungry Man dinners.

1160
01:08:40,710 --> 01:08:43,400
♪♪♪ Okay.

1161
01:08:43,400 --> 01:08:47,410
One more time. Good. All right.

1162
01:08:47,410 --> 01:08:49,050
Shut it off.

1163
01:08:49,050 --> 01:08:51,250
[Kevin] Fun date, Thanks.

1164
01:08:51,250 --> 01:08:56,160
Jacob! Jacob! Call the police! Call the police!

1165
01:08:56,160 --> 01:08:59,850
Calm down, calm down. We can't call the police.

1166
01:08:59,850 --> 01:09:01,650
You're the guys who cried wolf.

1167
01:09:01,650 --> 01:09:03,810
Look, besides, we don't have any evidence.

1168
01:09:03,810 --> 01:09:05,730
[Bill] I guess his girlfriend forgot about

1169
01:09:05,730 --> 01:09:08,710
the gruesome pictures she dramatically reacted to?

1170
01:09:08,710 --> 01:09:11,290
This is my chance to mess him up.

1171
01:09:11,290 --> 01:09:14,760
Come on. Cut the Lone Ranger shit.

1172
01:09:14,760 --> 01:09:16,530
You're not a police officer.

1173
01:09:16,530 --> 01:09:18,900
Janet, I've got the gun. The badge will follow.

1174
01:09:18,900 --> 01:09:22,250
[Mike] You said the same thing about that jacket. And becoming Vanilla Ice.

1175
01:09:22,250 --> 01:09:24,880
Anything goes wrong, all you have to do is

1176
01:09:24,880 --> 01:09:26,920
call in the radio and call in for back up, all right?

1177
01:09:26,920 --> 01:09:28,750
Hurry! I think we should call the police.

1178
01:09:28,750 --> 01:09:32,310
Let's just go help the? The fat kid while there's still time.

1179
01:09:32,310 --> 01:09:35,150
[Kevin] Even he could barely bring himself to call that kid "fat".

1180
01:09:35,150 --> 01:09:39,600
There's still no sign of Charlie or Gus? No word.

1181
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:43,540
Get some backup over there at the ice cream parlor.

1182
01:09:43,540 --> 01:09:46,720
[Bill] Didn't mention the evil asylum you just discovered and shot up?

1183
01:09:46,720 --> 01:09:49,570
Na. No. Of course not.

1184
01:09:49,570 --> 01:09:53,550
Who is he? The king. Yes!

1185
01:09:53,550 --> 01:09:55,550
He's like the Pied Piper.

1186
01:09:55,550 --> 01:09:57,640
[Mike] Oh, for??!!

1187
01:09:57,640 --> 01:10:02,070
Chases away all the bad. And leaves the world of good.

1188
01:10:02,070 --> 01:10:03,900
[Mike] So this movie is 70% gross.

1189
01:10:03,900 --> 01:10:09,880
And 30% over-explanation of the Pied Piper allegory. Yes!

1190
01:10:09,880 --> 01:10:15,310
Now it's illegal to use this channel unless you're PD.

1191
01:10:15,310 --> 01:10:19,000
So nobody calls in unless it's an emergency, okay?

1192
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:20,530
[Kevin] I've got some kind of New York accent,

1193
01:10:20,530 --> 01:10:22,950
so I know about cops and guns, okay?

1194
01:10:22,950 --> 01:10:25,700
Stay in the car no matter what. You hear any shots, or screams.

1195
01:10:25,700 --> 01:10:27,980
Anything funny.

1196
01:10:27,980 --> 01:10:30,030
You press the button, you radio it in

1197
01:10:30,030 --> 01:10:32,000
and then you get my alarm okay?

1198
01:10:32,000 --> 01:10:33,890
It sounds like a police siren.

1199
01:10:33,890 --> 01:10:35,350
[Bill] I have so many questions about him

1200
01:10:35,350 --> 01:10:37,430
and why he has an alarm that sounds like a police siren.

1201
01:10:37,430 --> 01:10:44,820
But I fear they will go unanswered.

1202
01:10:44,820 --> 01:10:51,710
[Mike] Startled by a fake sunflower, shoots, it ricochets, and he's killed instantly.

1203
01:10:51,710 --> 01:10:54,210
[Kevin] Well, he sucks. You guys want to bail?

1204
01:10:54,210 --> 01:10:56,190
[Bill] Yeah. [Mike] Yeah.

1205
01:10:59,150 --> 01:11:02,920
Sounds like we've got a customer.

1206
01:11:02,920 --> 01:11:07,430
[Bill] By the way, how attached were you to your friend Tuna? No reason.

1207
01:11:07,430 --> 01:11:11,980
♪♪♪ Be right back.

1208
01:11:11,980 --> 01:11:15,840
♪♪♪ [Mike] The kid stumbles upon his dark secret.

1209
01:11:15,840 --> 01:11:19,170
His crumbled up Oreo topping is actually Hydrox.

1210
01:11:19,170 --> 01:11:22,530
♪♪♪

1211
01:11:22,530 --> 01:11:28,660
♪♪♪

1212
01:11:28,660 --> 01:11:30,890
[Kevin] You know that's a tactical flashlight that he

1213
01:11:30,890 --> 01:11:36,690
bought for eighty bucks from a late night TV commercial.

1214
01:11:36,690 --> 01:11:40,550
[Bill] Shelob used to work as a cashier here.

1215
01:11:40,550 --> 01:11:45,580
♪♪♪

1216
01:11:45,580 --> 01:11:51,990
♪♪♪

1217
01:11:51,990 --> 01:11:53,590
♪♪♪ [Mike] Please avenge me.

1218
01:11:53,590 --> 01:11:56,740
Nobody in the world seems to care about who shot me or why?

1219
01:11:56,740 --> 01:11:59,820
Wait! No! Where are you going?

1220
01:11:59,820 --> 01:12:05,110
♪♪♪

1221
01:12:05,110 --> 01:12:14,680
[Bill] Someone with such great taste in clown masks can't possibly be a killer?

1222
01:12:14,680 --> 01:12:19,080
♪♪♪ [Mike] (laughs) Clearly Scooby Doo needs to be part of cop training.

1223
01:12:19,080 --> 01:12:21,370
What's he doing?

1224
01:12:21,370 --> 01:12:23,870
I don't know, but he'd better get the hell out of there soon!

1225
01:12:23,870 --> 01:12:28,120
[Kevin] Gah. The rats nesting in my hair are getting restless.

1226
01:12:28,120 --> 01:12:33,790
(foot steps)

1227
01:12:33,790 --> 01:12:37,310
(car door opens)

1228
01:12:37,310 --> 01:12:40,410
Hiya honey!! (screaming)

1229
01:12:40,410 --> 01:12:43,940
[Bill] Understandable reaction to Clint Howard suddenly in your car.

1230
01:12:43,940 --> 01:12:46,990
That's called a brain freeze!

1231
01:12:46,990 --> 01:12:50,610
(kids scream)

1232
01:12:50,610 --> 01:12:53,290
Creamsicle?!

1233
01:12:53,290 --> 01:12:58,080
[Mike] Creamsicle? Nobody risks death for anything less than a Choco Taco!

1234
01:12:58,080 --> 01:13:02,630
♪♪♪

1235
01:13:02,630 --> 01:13:05,110
♪♪♪ [Kevin] While that kid's been locked up,

1236
01:13:05,110 --> 01:13:08,470
the pog craze already came and went. ♪♪♪

1237
01:13:08,470 --> 01:13:15,500
This is gonna be fun. ♪♪♪

1238
01:13:15,500 --> 01:13:18,970
♪♪♪ [Bill] Oh get up! you're not a lady running through the woods in high heels.

1239
01:13:18,970 --> 01:13:21,860
Get up! ♪♪♪

1240
01:13:21,860 --> 01:13:25,050
(screaming)

1241
01:13:25,050 --> 01:13:30,510
[Mike] Oh god! The lack of leg room! I'm gonna be sick! (screaming)

1242
01:13:30,510 --> 01:13:36,310
(screaming)

1243
01:13:36,310 --> 01:13:38,840
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Is that a cow ass?

1244
01:13:38,840 --> 01:13:40,420
[Bill] That's a cow ass.

1245
01:13:40,420 --> 01:13:42,000
[Kevin] What the hell?

1246
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:43,950
How are we gonna get out of here? I don't know! We'll find a way.

1247
01:13:43,950 --> 01:13:46,880
We'll find a way out of here. Psst! Hey kids!

1248
01:13:46,880 --> 01:13:50,500
Over here! I'm a cop!

1249
01:13:50,500 --> 01:13:53,850
[Bill] There's your problem. You had a head wedged in your front axel.

1250
01:13:53,850 --> 01:13:55,950
With the ice cream man?

1251
01:13:55,950 --> 01:13:59,770
Don't you know that he slaves day and night to make his treats for you?

1252
01:13:59,770 --> 01:14:04,750
It's like big ice always said.

1253
01:14:04,750 --> 01:14:07,920
[Mike] Well, two dead Mark Hamills can't be wrong.

1254
01:14:07,920 --> 01:14:11,220
But you can make a kid sweet.

1255
01:14:11,220 --> 01:14:14,430
♪♪♪

1256
01:14:14,430 --> 01:14:16,780
[Kevin] Hah. (kids scream)

1257
01:14:16,780 --> 01:14:20,070
[Kevin] Aww, come on! This killed in Branson!

1258
01:14:20,070 --> 01:14:25,150
♪♪♪ (kids scream)

1259
01:14:25,150 --> 01:14:27,720
♪♪♪ Hey kids!

1260
01:14:27,720 --> 01:14:31,250
Don't you know there's a curfew?

1261
01:14:31,250 --> 01:14:39,100
[Bill] His license plate says "Ahh Boo" How stupid are the people in this town.

1262
01:14:39,100 --> 01:14:42,640
♪♪♪ [Mike] Those fake heads still look more human than real Clint Howard.

1263
01:14:42,640 --> 01:14:48,140
Don't you know you can't run from the long arm of the law? (kids scream)

1264
01:14:48,140 --> 01:14:52,580
(kids scream) ♪♪♪

1265
01:14:52,580 --> 01:14:57,740
[Kevin] It just dawned on him that "brickle" isn't a real word.

1266
01:14:57,740 --> 01:15:00,260
♪♪♪ What are we gonna do?

1267
01:15:00,260 --> 01:15:04,540
Just stay quiet. He's gonna get us. He's gonna get us just like everybody else.

1268
01:15:04,540 --> 01:15:08,080
[Bill] Keep it together budget Hermoine.

1269
01:15:08,080 --> 01:15:14,960
Somebody in there. Let's get help.

1270
01:15:14,960 --> 01:15:19,140
♪♪♪ [Mike] Plastic sunflowers, AKA the entire prop budget.

1271
01:15:19,140 --> 01:15:21,730
Hey! Hurry! You have to help me!

1272
01:15:21,730 --> 01:15:24,250
Please! Hurry up!

1273
01:15:24,250 --> 01:15:29,040
What is all this noise? He's after us! The ice cream man!

1274
01:15:29,040 --> 01:15:33,130
Oh My! [Kevin] That reminds me. I've stopped looking for my dog really fast.

1275
01:15:33,130 --> 01:15:36,250
Hide and seek.

1276
01:15:36,250 --> 01:15:39,280
♪♪♪ (on radio) We're over at the Spodak house.

1277
01:15:39,280 --> 01:15:41,310
We have a report of three missing kids now.

1278
01:15:41,310 --> 01:15:43,440
I don't give a damn.

1279
01:15:43,440 --> 01:15:47,820
[Bill] (laughs) Yes Jan Michael, you've made that very clear. ♪♪♪

1280
01:15:47,820 --> 01:15:53,120
♪♪♪

1281
01:15:53,120 --> 01:15:56,360
You kids don't want to play with the ice cream man?

1282
01:15:56,360 --> 01:16:00,270
[Mike] Come on! I've got a bunch of rainbow bright dolls with the eyes X-ed out.

1283
01:16:00,270 --> 01:16:03,790
You don't stick by him when he needs ya!

1284
01:16:03,790 --> 01:16:06,290
Aww. Who died and made you prince?

1285
01:16:06,290 --> 01:16:07,830
What? Are you trying to run?

1286
01:16:07,830 --> 01:16:10,610
[Kevin] You're Prince now. We've got to get you to Paisley Park!

1287
01:16:10,610 --> 01:16:13,770
You do that, you won't get any ice cream. But?

1288
01:16:13,770 --> 01:16:18,330
Freeze! I mean it!

1289
01:16:18,330 --> 01:16:22,870
[Bill] Damn! Outsmarted again! (Kevin laughs) Whoo hoo!

1290
01:16:22,870 --> 01:16:27,890
♪♪♪ Hello? You want some ice cream?

1291
01:16:27,890 --> 01:16:30,280
♪♪♪ [Mike] I'd like to say this is putting me OFF ice cream.

1292
01:16:30,280 --> 01:16:32,880
But we all know that not's true.

1293
01:16:32,880 --> 01:16:36,260
[Bill] (laughs) Mike, did you just turn into a Cathy calender.

1294
01:16:36,260 --> 01:16:39,790
[Mike] Akhh. Bill. (Kevin laughs)

1295
01:16:39,790 --> 01:16:41,760
♪♪♪ Let me see the kid!

1296
01:16:41,760 --> 01:16:44,350
♪♪♪ I make the terms Blueberry man!

1297
01:16:44,350 --> 01:16:46,530
[Kevin] Blueberry man? Is that because we're cops?

1298
01:16:46,530 --> 01:16:51,170
Please work on your material. Check the back.

1299
01:16:51,170 --> 01:16:55,760
♪♪♪

1300
01:16:55,760 --> 01:16:59,270
[Bill] For cookie (indistinct)!!

1301
01:16:59,270 --> 01:17:05,350
♪♪♪ Now, where was I?

1302
01:17:05,350 --> 01:17:09,700
♪♪♪ [Mike] Hey! A Cheeto covered in ants! Score!

1303
01:17:09,700 --> 01:17:11,890
♪♪♪ Gregory?

1304
01:17:11,890 --> 01:17:15,990
My little twin pops.

1305
01:17:15,990 --> 01:17:23,760
♪♪♪ [Kevin] All right. He's not a delivery. He's breaking all the rules!

1306
01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:30,010
♪♪♪ (kids scream)

1307
01:17:30,010 --> 01:17:31,930
(kids scream)

1308
01:17:31,930 --> 01:17:33,810
Gregory. Hide and seek. Gregory.

1309
01:17:33,810 --> 01:17:36,730
[Bill] Now back to work as a consultant for Dr Oz.

1310
01:17:36,730 --> 01:17:39,050
(kids scream)

1311
01:17:39,050 --> 01:17:43,200
♪♪♪ (indistinct)

1312
01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:45,880
[Mike] Just like that classic tale The Pied?

1313
01:17:45,880 --> 01:17:49,460
Guy pointing a flashlight in an old poster of another guy.

1314
01:17:49,460 --> 01:17:51,740
(Kevin laughs)

1315
01:17:51,740 --> 01:17:56,600
♪♪♪

1316
01:17:56,600 --> 01:18:01,340
Now. Gregory. you're going to be with us a very long time.

1317
01:18:01,340 --> 01:18:04,420
[Kevin] And I'm afraid your face is only to get worse.

1318
01:18:04,420 --> 01:18:06,970
There are no bad days here at Wishing Well.

1319
01:18:06,970 --> 01:18:09,330
Only happy days.

1320
01:18:09,330 --> 01:18:12,200
What kind of a day are you having, Gregory?

1321
01:18:12,200 --> 01:18:16,130
Gregory?

1322
01:18:16,130 --> 01:18:17,970
[Mike] In the pilot episode of Double Dare

1323
01:18:17,970 --> 01:18:21,460
they'd inject the slime right into the contestant's skulls.

1324
01:18:21,460 --> 01:18:25,270
(screaming) ♪♪♪

1325
01:18:25,270 --> 01:18:28,720
♪♪♪

1326
01:18:28,720 --> 01:18:36,740
♪♪♪

1327
01:18:36,740 --> 01:18:40,840
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Chubby Patrick Warburton loves you!

1328
01:18:40,840 --> 01:18:45,280
♪♪♪ It's a happy day.

1329
01:18:45,280 --> 01:18:48,600
(Mike laughs)

1330
01:18:48,600 --> 01:18:51,980
Thanks, ice cream man!

1331
01:18:51,980 --> 01:18:59,290
[Bill] A giant wig is not match for an even gianter forehead.

1332
01:18:59,290 --> 01:19:03,820
♪♪♪ [Mike] They taped his check to the poster to keep him walking.

1333
01:19:03,820 --> 01:19:07,580
♪♪♪ Happy.

1334
01:19:07,580 --> 01:19:09,340
Happy day.

1335
01:19:09,340 --> 01:19:11,370
[Kevin] Also, American Graffiti and Eat my Dust

1336
01:19:11,370 --> 01:19:14,870
were projects my brother did that I wasn't allowed to be in.

1337
01:19:14,870 --> 01:19:17,490
♪♪♪

1338
01:19:17,490 --> 01:19:23,680
♪♪♪

1339
01:19:23,680 --> 01:19:27,840
[Bill] I miss the days when all ice cream men had headshots.

1340
01:19:27,840 --> 01:19:31,100
♪♪♪

1341
01:19:31,100 --> 01:19:37,120
(screams)

1342
01:19:37,120 --> 01:19:40,480
[Mike] Derek the cop here. Not interested in this scene at all.

1343
01:19:40,480 --> 01:19:42,760
[Bill] Really? Only hands?

1344
01:19:42,760 --> 01:19:45,710
[Mike] Only hands! I couldn't have been more clear about that.

1345
01:19:45,710 --> 01:19:48,280
[Bill] Okay Derek.

1346
01:19:48,280 --> 01:19:51,300
♪♪♪

1347
01:19:51,300 --> 01:19:55,320
♪♪♪

1348
01:19:55,320 --> 01:19:59,230
Who's the Pied Piper now, ice cream dick?!

1349
01:19:59,230 --> 01:20:00,670
[Kevin] That's what Santa shouted at the

1350
01:20:00,670 --> 01:20:03,610
Ice Cream Bunny in the controversial director's cut.

1351
01:20:03,610 --> 01:20:07,990
[Mike] Of course. Of course.

1352
01:20:07,990 --> 01:20:11,790
♪♪♪

1353
01:20:11,790 --> 01:20:17,030
♪♪♪ Did you find my dog?

1354
01:20:17,030 --> 01:20:21,220
[Mike] I had a dog, by the way. I guess.

1355
01:20:21,220 --> 01:20:24,700
Small Paul!! Where's Gregory?

1356
01:20:24,700 --> 01:20:28,380
[Kevin] Ha! Boy that plastic daisy gag is really paying off, now, huh?

1357
01:20:28,380 --> 01:20:31,300
Wait, what?

1358
01:20:31,300 --> 01:20:36,170
♪♪♪

1359
01:20:36,170 --> 01:20:38,500
[Bill] Tell me I can't pull off a red skirt,

1360
01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:41,280
blasted denim jeans, yellow lesbian shirt, beret

1361
01:20:41,280 --> 01:20:48,740
and backpack, will you?? Well! (Kevin laughs)

1362
01:20:48,740 --> 01:20:50,580
♪♪♪ Hi Johnny.

1363
01:20:50,580 --> 01:20:53,630
♪♪♪

1364
01:20:53,630 --> 01:20:56,820
[Mike] (mumbling) honey.

1365
01:20:56,820 --> 01:21:05,420
♪♪♪

1366
01:21:05,420 --> 01:21:06,970
♪♪♪ Hey guys. Hey.

1367
01:21:06,970 --> 01:21:09,400
Hi. Whoo. (laughs)

1368
01:21:09,400 --> 01:21:14,560
Ready? Let's do it.

1369
01:21:14,560 --> 01:21:18,790
(laughs) Wow.

1370
01:21:18,790 --> 01:21:21,490
[Kevin] Yeah. Dues are five hundred bucks a month or we start breaking thumbs.

1371
01:21:21,490 --> 01:21:27,000
So? Where's Small Paul?

1372
01:21:27,000 --> 01:21:30,180
Where else?

1373
01:21:30,180 --> 01:21:32,490
Therapy.

1374
01:21:32,490 --> 01:21:34,220
[Mike] Small Paul would go onto to change his name to

1375
01:21:34,220 --> 01:21:37,540
31 Flavors Paul. And open his own successful

1376
01:21:37,540 --> 01:21:41,190
ice cream franchise called Paul's Ice Cream.

1377
01:21:41,190 --> 01:21:42,560
[Kevin] I don't think.

1378
01:21:42,560 --> 01:21:44,370
[Mike] As for the Rocketeers, they would actually go

1379
01:21:44,370 --> 01:21:47,080
onto to make the 1991 Walt Disney movie.

1380
01:21:47,080 --> 01:21:48,310
[Bill] The Rocketeer?

1381
01:21:48,310 --> 01:21:49,690
[Mike] White Fang.

1382
01:21:49,690 --> 01:21:51,080
[Bill] Huh?

1383
01:21:51,080 --> 01:21:53,500
[Kevin] This is 1995. How can they "go on" to make???

1384
01:21:53,500 --> 01:21:55,690
[Mike] Magic of cinema.

1385
01:21:55,690 --> 01:21:58,840
Would also go onto to write the 1978 Van Halen hit, Ice

1386
01:21:58,840 --> 01:22:03,730
Cream Man. Which was written by John Brimm in 1953.

1387
01:22:03,730 --> 01:22:06,020
[Kevin] Okay. While Mike goes mad, we'll sign off now.

1388
01:22:06,020 --> 01:22:09,260
And thank you joining us, you blueberry men and ladies.

1389
01:22:09,260 --> 01:22:12,950
And, as always, if you got this riff from anywhere untoward,

1390
01:22:12,950 --> 01:22:16,950
Please head over to our RiffTrax site and donate a scoop or two of hard pack.

1391
01:22:16,950 --> 01:22:19,790
It's the only we can keep this little venture going.

1392
01:22:19,790 --> 01:22:24,390
[Mike] Small Paul would also go on to gain 450 pounds by guzzling butter fat.

1393
01:22:24,390 --> 01:22:28,210
Which actually made it fun to call him Small Paul. Because he wasn't.

1394
01:22:28,210 --> 01:22:29,880
[Bill] I doubt your Small Paul facts.

1395
01:22:29,880 --> 01:22:31,650
[Mike] Yeah.

1396
01:22:31,650 --> 01:22:33,540
[Kevin] Happy, happy day everyone!

1397
01:22:33,540 --> 01:22:37,280
[Bill] Hard pack!

1398
01:22:37,280 --> 01:22:46,310
♪♪♪

1399
01:22:46,310 --> 01:22:55,270
♪♪♪

1400
01:22:55,270 --> 01:23:04,270
♪♪♪

1401
01:23:04,270 --> 01:23:08,360
♪♪♪

1402
01:23:08,360 --> 01:23:13,680
♪♪♪

1403
01:23:13,680 --> 01:23:16,150
♪♪♪

1404
01:23:16,150 --> 01:23:20,590
It's time for RiffTrax! RiffTrax!

1405
01:23:20,590 --> 01:23:23,120
Copyright by RiffTrax. All rights reserved.